A few musings…

Posted on July 19, 2013 | Leave a comment | Edit

My kids are all still pretty young, and while they may have an understanding of affairs and know that their dad had one, I don’t think they truly understand what it means.
Will I ever fully explain it to them…I don’t know.
Right now, there really isn’t any reason to. Will that change if, someday down the road, one of them is cheated on by their spouse? Will they get any comfort from learning that a marriage can survive infidelity? Maybe so.
When my husband and I were dealing with the aftermath of his affair, my dad and mom told me about how, many years ago, my dad had been in a very brief affair. They survived it…their marriage grew and has lasted 50 years…
I’d like to think that ours will too.

T

Saying "goodbye" to your former other man/woman

Posted on July 18, 2013 | Leave a comment | Edit

In this post, I thought I’d do a little “public service announcement” for the other men/women out there. This sounds weird that I would do this, i know, but as I have said before, i don’t think that most of them are bad people. While I absolutely loathe affairs and everything about them, I also don’t like the idea of people being hurt. There’s also another really good reason that i am suggesting this, as you will see from the rest of my post.
If you are a wayward spouse and you have deiced to end your affair, don’t just disappear and not telling your other man/woman that it is over. At least have the decency to write a letter or email to say “goodbye”, and explain why you chose to end things. Don’t try and let them down gently, as this can just give them false hope, which is cruel and can make it much harder for them to accept that it is over.
I’m not saying that you should be harsh ( unless you feel a need to be)but rather that you should be clear in your words and your meaning. Let them know that things are over, you do not wish further contact and that you wish them well in their life an also that they can go on to find happiness with someone new.
The reasons for wishing the well in the rest of their life in twofold. One, it is a kind thing to say, and two, it lets them know that you can accept them moving on and finding someone else, which is a very clear indication that the affair is finished and that you are not hoping they will sit around waiting for you.
In other words, really and truly let them go…it gives them a “tool” they can use in their own healing. Don’t blame the affair on them…after all, you made the choice to get involved with them. you are both equally responsible.
The next part of my post explains why is so important for a reconciliation to do these things…if you are an other man or woman, this may sound hurtful so you might want to stop reading now…
Ask your betrayed spouse if they want to read the letter or email. If they do, then let them. It’s one more way of being open and honest with them. Hiding it from them is a misguided act of kindness towards them. While reading it may be very difficult for them to do, if they see it and know that it was sent, it helps them to know that things are over.
I would suggest that you create a special web based email address ( e.g.- Gmail) to send it from, and that you and your betrayed spouse both have access to that account. If any replies are received, you can both read them. Again, keeping everything transparent is so important.
Another suggestion I have is to allow your betrayed spouse to have unrestricted access to the email, social media, and texting accounts that you used to communicate with your ex-other man or woman. Now before you get all worked up and say that it will hurt them, or that those things are “private” or that you’re too ashamed to have them read, remember that if you’ve been upfront and honest with your betrayed spouse, there is nothing in there that could be any worse that what their imagination has painted for them.
Reading them will cut the affair and the ex-other man/ woman down to size, and they will no longer seem larger than life. It will help to rebuild trust between the two of you, and it may even help them to gain some insight into why the affair happened in the first place. Remember…you can’t do much to hurt them anymore than they already are…unless you hide things from them, that is.
When your betrayed spouse feels ready, the two of you can sit down together and delete the messages and texts, social media accounts and burn or otherwise destroy any other “artifacts” from the affair. That can feel so good for both of you.
To summarize:
- make sure you write a “goodbye” letter or email to your other man or woman. Be clear, don’t be cruel, and don’t blame the affair 100% on them. Let them know that you are truly ending things once and for all, and that you want them to move on. Let your betrayed spouse read it and see you send it ( if they want to)
- send the final communication letter to your ex from w web based email account that you and your betrayed spouse both have access to
- let your betrayed spouse have full access to any communication that took place during the affair
- when you both feel ready, destroy any “artifacts” from the affair
- I sincerely hope all three of those involved can move on and be happy

non-stop service to "psychoville"….

Posted on July 17, 2013 | Leave a comment | Edit

When the affair reaches it’s almost inevitable end, many other women and men seem to find it hard to let go. They may lash out, send messages to the betrayed spouse letting them know the full extent of the affair, or they may seem to have a minor breakdown. Most of that sort of thing seems to come from a place of hurt and not so much anger.
It’s all upsetting, but it doesn’t usually last too long. They are hurting, and once they realize that things are over and done with, they let go and move on. One hopes they have learned form the experience and will make better choices in the future, and other than as a painful memory, they are a “non-entity” , at least as far as the marriage is concerned. The damage is done, but it’s in the past.
Sadly, a few other men/women aren’t willing to just let things go that easily. For whatever reason, they hold on and continue to insert themselves where they have clearly been told they are not wanted. This can mean anything from sending a constant stream of emails, unwanted contacts on social media, lots annoying phone calls, and even behavior that is considered ” stalking”. Some will threaten to hurt your spouse, you, or themselves. A small number even resort to violence against people or property.
The other woman my husband got involved with was like that.
I don’t know the reason why she did what she did, and quite frankly, I really don’t care. Her life is not mine, and if she can’t act like a responsible adult, that is on her and not me. ( it took a long time to realize that).
If you find yourself having to deal with an other man/woman who is like that, my best advice to you would be to not put up with that sort of  nonsense. You have the right to live your life without their interference, and you need to let them know, in no uncertain terms, that you will not put up with it. Try writing a letter, signed by both you and your wayward spouse that reiterates the fact that the affair is over, that they are to leave you alone and stop contacting you, your spouse, kids, etc. in nay way. Also make it clear that if they don’t stop, you will seek legal help.
If they continue to contact you, stick to your guns and keep your word. Seek legal help.
Mind you, if their behavior seems obsessive and it makes you feel uncomfortable, or if you are threatened in any way, go to the police immediately. Bring all your documentations with you ( copies of the emails, texts, etc. that make you feel uncomfortable or threatened) and also a copy of the ” the affair is over and I want no further contact with you” letter your spouse sent to them.
The authorities will be able to intervene to make them leave you alone, and if the other man/woman still persists in their bad behavior, don’t be afraid to press charges. I know it’s hard, but in this type of situation, pity or sympathy for them won’t help or change anything. Their minds aren’t processing what happened properly, and you should take any threats they make against you or your family seriously.
In the end, you make actually be doing them a favor. They may be forced to seek some mental health help or counseling, which will hep them to move on in their life and be a happier person.