During the affair, did your spouse have a small group of friends who thought that everything they were doing was just fine?
Did he or she make new ones, and stop spending time with those people who would not be supportive of their affair relationship?
Mine sure did.
During the time he was cheating, he began to distance himself from
his friends and even his family who he knew would not support the
affair. It’s understandable. After all, knowing how they felt, how could
he look them in the face while he was cheating on his wife?
He made new friends, and one thing that really struck me at the time
was that these people really were jerks! I couldn’t understand what he
saw in them. They cheated on their wives regularly, and bragged abut it
to one another. I think that, in them, he saw two people who he thought
would understand him and not look down on him. He felt guilty enough
himself without having it rubbed in his face by those he felt were
“judging” him.
These two would give him advice on how to keep the affair a secret
from me, how to spend time with her without me being suspicious, and
even on how to make me feel guilty for asking questions ( this is called
“gas lighting’” which will be the topic of another post)…
The more they encouraged him, the less he saw that what he was doing was wrong.
With friends like that, who needs enemies?
Showing posts with label ethics. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ethics. Show all posts
Tuesday, 2 September 2014
Monday, 25 August 2014
Reaching Out When You Need Support
Your heart is broken and your head is spinning…you just found out about the affair.
One of thing that can be very important to you right now is finding support. For some, that means telling people what happened. Some do this, some prefer to hide the fact that their spouse has cheated. There is no right or wrong way to handle it. Do whatever works for you.
I told my parents and some close friends. I live far away from any of my relatives, but my parents were there for me 100%, as were my friends.
My friends took me out for coffee to talk about what had happened. I was supposed to be at a board meeting with them that night, but I was devastated and knew I couldn’t go; besides, with the state I was in, I wouldn’t have been any use that night anyway. I called my other close friend who was also on the board, and as soon as the meeting was over, they came to get me.
We sat out in her van and we talked for a long time. I sat in the back, as I didn’t want them to see how bad it was or me, but they knew. I had no idea what I was going to do, but talking about things helped so much. After that, they made sure to get me out of the house when they could, and during the times when my husband was waffling back and forth, they also made sure I got to all my kids appointments on time.
My mom and dad were also great. they talked me through a lot of things, and were kind but firm. They let me be sad and cry, but they also made sure that I started standing up for myself and making some very difficult choices.
I know it was hard for them to hear me go through all of that. My dad especially had his heart broken too. It’s just part and parcel of the pain that affairs can cause.
I once heard an other woman lament about how the betrayed spouse has it so much easier than an other woman, as "she at least has her spouse for support and she isn’t alone". To that, I say ” are you kidding me? The very idea of what you’re saying is ridiculous…but given your attitude, it’s about what I expected”
Some people really are as thick as brick…
One of thing that can be very important to you right now is finding support. For some, that means telling people what happened. Some do this, some prefer to hide the fact that their spouse has cheated. There is no right or wrong way to handle it. Do whatever works for you.
I told my parents and some close friends. I live far away from any of my relatives, but my parents were there for me 100%, as were my friends.
My friends took me out for coffee to talk about what had happened. I was supposed to be at a board meeting with them that night, but I was devastated and knew I couldn’t go; besides, with the state I was in, I wouldn’t have been any use that night anyway. I called my other close friend who was also on the board, and as soon as the meeting was over, they came to get me.
We sat out in her van and we talked for a long time. I sat in the back, as I didn’t want them to see how bad it was or me, but they knew. I had no idea what I was going to do, but talking about things helped so much. After that, they made sure to get me out of the house when they could, and during the times when my husband was waffling back and forth, they also made sure I got to all my kids appointments on time.
My mom and dad were also great. they talked me through a lot of things, and were kind but firm. They let me be sad and cry, but they also made sure that I started standing up for myself and making some very difficult choices.
I know it was hard for them to hear me go through all of that. My dad especially had his heart broken too. It’s just part and parcel of the pain that affairs can cause.
I once heard an other woman lament about how the betrayed spouse has it so much easier than an other woman, as "she at least has her spouse for support and she isn’t alone". To that, I say ” are you kidding me? The very idea of what you’re saying is ridiculous…but given your attitude, it’s about what I expected”
Some people really are as thick as brick…
Let's Talk About the Other Man or Other Woman
One of the topics that people always seem to want to talk about when
it comes to affairs is the other man/ woman…who are they, what do they
look like, what did the cheating spouse do with them, how are they
different?
In my case, she was a serial other woman who preferred to date married men. Personally, I don’t understand why anyone would want to do that…what is the attraction? After all, they can’t be with her full time, they can’t let anyone see them together, they can’t go anywhere anyone would recognize them…
With people like her, I think she gets off on the idea that someone elses husband finds her attractive enough to cheat on his wife with and it's quite exciting. It’s a boost to her self esteem, and she really doesn’t give a damn who gets hurt in the process….as long as she gets her ” fix” all is right in the world. I also don’t think she likes other women very much. She sees them as competition for her, and if she can make them feel bad, that’s an added bonus…
Mind you, there is also the pragmatic side of it. By sleeping with married guys she works with, she moves up in her job. They also buy her things and take her places that she could never other wise afford. They pay for her favors and she loves it that way.
There are other women like her out there…emotional vampires who suck the very life out of others and then move on…they see themselves as somehow above everybody else, and in many ways act like the schoolyard bully form your childhood…but watch out should you cross them…
There's also those who feel entitled to whatever they want in life. From their point of view, there is nothing wrong with dating married person. It all fits into their ethos. These are the moral relativists...the people who fashion their set of values to whatever suits them or best meets their needs. To them the only "wrong" is something that hurts them, not someone else.
Of course, there is another side to the story…
Some other women aren’t serial women…some are lied to by the married guy. He says he’s separated or divorced and makes it sound like he’s a free agent, when that couldn’t be further from the truth. These women really are used in a really shabby way, and as far as I’m concerned, they are right up there with the betrayed spouse in terms of pain and damage done to them.
Which brings us to the type of other woman who I call ” the opportunist” . She doesn’t go out looking for a married guy,but if he finds one she likes, or if one hits on her, all of sudden he’s fair game and they’ll find a million excuses as to why their affair is okay. They are deeply in ” lurve” ( insert eye roll here) , they are ” soul mates” , his wife is a witch who just doesn’t understand him or some other such nonsense. These are the ones who cry and moan and beg for sympathy and pity when the affair ends. No one can ever understand them, and anyone who doesn’t agree with them or calls them out about their actions just doesn’t see the world in “shades of grey’ the way they do. Oh, they tried to repel him, but he just kept coming and coming until she had no choice but to give in.
Oh please! Give me a break! Don’t they remember all those “just say no” tv commercials :). They say he doesn’t love his wife, if he did he wouldn’t cheat. They feel that he invited them into his marriage so why should she feel bad? You know the type…the self entitled, whiny ” me first” girls…and heaven help if anyone calls them out about their behavior. how dare someone "judge' or "shame' them like that!
Next, we have the type of other women who really does regret what she has done. The affair ends and she feels terrible about the pain that it caused. These other women are usually decent people, who did just make a stupid mistake that they feel bad about. They are just like me in a lot of ways, and I really think that a lot of other women fit this description.
Lastly, there are the proverbial ” bunny boilers”. These can be any one of the above types who either is a few bricks short of a load to start with, or they just sort of crack when they don’t get their own way. They lash out at the betrayed spouse, her children, her ex married man, and anyone and everyone else. her behavior can range form annoying to downright dangerous. The other woman in my situation was like that…more about her in later posts.
I used to think all other women ( and men too) were the same, but they aren’t…they come in many varieties, so it takes a variety of ways to deal with them…
Most seem to want to be left alone when the affair ends. They don’t want you in their life any more than you want them. If this is the case, then it’s best to leave her alone unless you have questions you want to ask.You're not going to get anywhere by contacting her.
In my case, she was a serial other woman who preferred to date married men. Personally, I don’t understand why anyone would want to do that…what is the attraction? After all, they can’t be with her full time, they can’t let anyone see them together, they can’t go anywhere anyone would recognize them…
With people like her, I think she gets off on the idea that someone elses husband finds her attractive enough to cheat on his wife with and it's quite exciting. It’s a boost to her self esteem, and she really doesn’t give a damn who gets hurt in the process….as long as she gets her ” fix” all is right in the world. I also don’t think she likes other women very much. She sees them as competition for her, and if she can make them feel bad, that’s an added bonus…
Mind you, there is also the pragmatic side of it. By sleeping with married guys she works with, she moves up in her job. They also buy her things and take her places that she could never other wise afford. They pay for her favors and she loves it that way.
There are other women like her out there…emotional vampires who suck the very life out of others and then move on…they see themselves as somehow above everybody else, and in many ways act like the schoolyard bully form your childhood…but watch out should you cross them…
There's also those who feel entitled to whatever they want in life. From their point of view, there is nothing wrong with dating married person. It all fits into their ethos. These are the moral relativists...the people who fashion their set of values to whatever suits them or best meets their needs. To them the only "wrong" is something that hurts them, not someone else.
Of course, there is another side to the story…
Some other women aren’t serial women…some are lied to by the married guy. He says he’s separated or divorced and makes it sound like he’s a free agent, when that couldn’t be further from the truth. These women really are used in a really shabby way, and as far as I’m concerned, they are right up there with the betrayed spouse in terms of pain and damage done to them.
Which brings us to the type of other woman who I call ” the opportunist” . She doesn’t go out looking for a married guy,but if he finds one she likes, or if one hits on her, all of sudden he’s fair game and they’ll find a million excuses as to why their affair is okay. They are deeply in ” lurve” ( insert eye roll here) , they are ” soul mates” , his wife is a witch who just doesn’t understand him or some other such nonsense. These are the ones who cry and moan and beg for sympathy and pity when the affair ends. No one can ever understand them, and anyone who doesn’t agree with them or calls them out about their actions just doesn’t see the world in “shades of grey’ the way they do. Oh, they tried to repel him, but he just kept coming and coming until she had no choice but to give in.
Oh please! Give me a break! Don’t they remember all those “just say no” tv commercials :). They say he doesn’t love his wife, if he did he wouldn’t cheat. They feel that he invited them into his marriage so why should she feel bad? You know the type…the self entitled, whiny ” me first” girls…and heaven help if anyone calls them out about their behavior. how dare someone "judge' or "shame' them like that!
Next, we have the type of other women who really does regret what she has done. The affair ends and she feels terrible about the pain that it caused. These other women are usually decent people, who did just make a stupid mistake that they feel bad about. They are just like me in a lot of ways, and I really think that a lot of other women fit this description.
Lastly, there are the proverbial ” bunny boilers”. These can be any one of the above types who either is a few bricks short of a load to start with, or they just sort of crack when they don’t get their own way. They lash out at the betrayed spouse, her children, her ex married man, and anyone and everyone else. her behavior can range form annoying to downright dangerous. The other woman in my situation was like that…more about her in later posts.
I used to think all other women ( and men too) were the same, but they aren’t…they come in many varieties, so it takes a variety of ways to deal with them…
Most seem to want to be left alone when the affair ends. They don’t want you in their life any more than you want them. If this is the case, then it’s best to leave her alone unless you have questions you want to ask.You're not going to get anywhere by contacting her.
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