Affair Boosters?

During the affair, did your spouse have a small group of friends who thought that everything they were doing was just fine?

Did he or she make new ones, and stop spending time with those people who would not be supportive of their affair relationship?

Mine sure did.

During the time he was cheating, he began to distance himself from his friends and even his family who he knew would not support the affair. It’s understandable. After all, knowing how they felt, how could he look them in the face while he was cheating on his wife?

He made new friends, and one thing that really struck me at the time was that these people really were jerks! I couldn’t understand what he saw in them. They cheated on their wives regularly, and bragged abut it to one another. I think that, in them, he saw two people who he thought would understand him and not look down on him. He felt guilty enough himself without having it rubbed in his face by those he felt were “judging” him.

These two would give him advice on how to keep the affair a secret from me,  how to spend time with her without me being suspicious, and even on how to make me feel guilty for asking questions ( this is called “gas lighting’” which will be the topic of another post)…

The more they encouraged him, the less he saw that what he was doing was wrong.

With friends like that, who needs enemies?

"I love You, but I am not ' In Love' With You"

After my husband dropped the “I love you but I am not ' in love with you’ ” bomb…I was totally thrown for a loop.  I didn’t know what to do.

In desperation, I ended up looking online for support. I joined a couple of forums, but I got a lot of conflicting advice. Some said to kick him out, some said to try my best to be what he said he wanted. I joined one that allows both betrayed spouses and other men/women ( and even wayward spouses ) to join. I have to say that forum wasn’t really useful to me until after the affair was over.

At first I tried the advice that said to make the changes that he said he wanted. I quickly realized that wasn’t going to make any difference. The “reasons’ he was giving me for cheating weren’t really relevant, as he was really  just looking for any and every excuse he could think of to justify his actions. The more he could blame it on me, the less he had to examine the way he was acting.
One day I’d finally had enough. He’s been going back and forth between our place and hers ( he’d made up a room for himself in the basement) and his waffling was wearing me out. I was sick, not eating, exhausted and just couldn’t take it anymore.

I asked him if he was still seeing her ( of course I knew his  answer was going to be “yes”) but hearing it  just  made something inside me break. I told him that I’d had enough, I was willing to give our marriage one last chance, and after that I was going to see a lawyer about divorce ( I’d already talked to one, but he didn’t know that). It wasn’t an idle threat, ultimatum or manipulation tactic. I was just finished. The lawyer I’d spoken to had told me that I had good grounds for divorce and that it likely wouldn’t be a problem. He recommended that I tell him I was willing to give things one more try, and if , after that, I still wanted to go ahead with divorce, he would be happy to help.
 
I still remember just how I felt when I told him. His answer that he was still seeing her made me so hurt and angry. It was so hot in the house, and hearing that made me gasp for breath. I felt like I was going to pass out, but I didn’t. I summoned up my last ounce of strength and told him that I was finished, but I would give things one last chance, if that is what he wanted.

He started to cry , and told me that it was, he was exhausted from everything, but he didn’t know how we could ever go back after everything that had happened. How could things ever be okay again?

We sat with each other for a while, not saying anything. I finally broke the silence and told him that they might never be the same, but they could be even better, if we both wanted it enough.
Lucky for us, we had our first appointment with our new counsellor that night, and she helped us out a lot. Her first question to us was ” do you want to keep your marriage “…our answer was “yes”.
More about counselings in another post. 

A Visit is Just What the Doctor Ordered

One of the most embarrassing things that happened after my husband’s affair was having to go to my doctor to ask to be tested for STD’s.  It was absolutely humiliating, although in truth, I don’t know why. I had no real reason to be ashamed, yet I was. I think that in many ways, admitting to him that my husband had cheated forced me to look it square in the face. The shame I felt that he could do that, the embarrassment at somehow not being good enough, the anger at the betrayal.

At any rate, my doctor is a wonderful man. He listened to me while I tearfully told him what had happened, and he asked if there was anything I needed. I told him I wanted to be tested, which he did. Then he asked me how I was feeling. He told me it wasn’t my fault , men can be jerks, and that if there was anything I could do, just to let him know.

Just by listening, he’d already done so much.

Fortunately, all the tests results came back negative.

That’s the way it was for me after the affair. I thought I was handling it well, and then something would happen and it would hit me all over again…the hurt and sadness would come flooding back. There were times I thought I was gang crazy.

Turns out, what I was feeling was completely normal and almost every betrayed spouse goes through something similar.

Reaching Out When You Need Support

Your heart is broken and your head is spinning…you just found out about the affair.

One of thing that can be very important to you right now is finding support. For some, that means telling people what happened. Some do this, some prefer to hide the fact that their spouse has cheated.  There is no right or wrong way to handle it. Do whatever works for you.

I told my parents and some close friends. I live far away from any of my relatives, but my parents were there for me 100%, as were my friends.

My friends took me out for coffee to talk about what had happened. I was supposed to be at a board meeting with them that night, but I was devastated and knew I couldn’t go; besides, with the state I was in, I wouldn’t have been any use that night anyway.   I called my other close friend who was also on the board, and as soon as the meeting was over, they came to get me.

We sat out in her van and we talked for a long time. I sat in the back, as I didn’t want them to see how bad it was or me, but they knew. I had no idea what I was going to do, but talking about things helped so much. After that, they made sure to get me out of the house when they could, and during the times when my husband was waffling back and forth, they also made sure I got to all my kids appointments on time.

My mom and dad were also great. they talked me through a lot of things, and were kind but firm. They let me be sad and cry, but they also made sure that I started standing up for myself and making some very difficult choices.

I know it was hard for them to hear me go through all of that. My dad especially had his heart broken too. It’s just part and parcel of the pain that affairs can cause.

I once heard an other woman lament about how the betrayed spouse has it so much easier than an other woman, as "she at least has her spouse for support and she isn’t alone". To that, I say ” are you kidding me? The very idea of what you’re saying is ridiculous…but given your attitude, it’s about what I expected”

Some people really are as thick as brick…