Get Legal Advice ASAP.

I’m a firm believer that getting legal help and advice is one of the most important things you can do if you find out your spouse has cheated.

This doesn’t mean you’re headed for divorce, but rather that you are gathering all the facts that you need to make an informed decision. This is so important, especially if you have children.
The more information that you have, the more confident you’ll be in the choices you make. This is really important, especially if you are a betrayed husband. Some betrayed husband’s choose to stay because they feel they have no other choice. If they leave, they may worry about finances, what will happen to their children and any number of other things. Seeing a lawyer can help put your mind at ease.

If you decide to stay, it should  be because you want to, not because you are too scared to leave.

Legal help can make all the difference in the world.

If your spouse is “waffling” don’t be afraid to stand up for yourself and tell them that you saw a lawyer about divorce. That can often show them just how serious the whole situation is. For some wayward spouses, their heads are so high up in the clouds ( or so high up somewhere else) that they don't see the situation for what it is. Seeing a lawyer is not a manipulative tactic, rather, it's a way of protecting yourself and letting them know you are not afraid to do so.

It’s not a game, it’s reality…

It's Been Five Years...

September is here, which makes it five years since  my husband ended his affair…

While things may not always be roses and sunshine, in many ways, they are so much better, even better than they were before his affair. We’ve both worked on ourselves and have grown so much…I guess that’s the lemonade I made when life handed me a huge pile of lemons…

Of course I still think about the affair sometimes, but now it’s as something in the past, sometimes we even joke about it. For example, his ex other woman is kind of , well, a nut bar, and I was teasing him the other day about how he dodged a bullet by not staying with her…

Being able to kid each other about it is a sure sign we’ve really moved on…

Someone once asked me if I forgave him for the affair…I have. Forgiving is not the same as forgetting. I forgave him, but don’t forget and that makes me value what we have so much more. I know how fragile relationships can become, so it’s very important to “tend and water” them carefully.
Some have told me I need to forgive his ex other woman in order to “heal”…that is something I have never really understood at all. Some people feel a need to do so, and that’s fine for them. If it works, don’t knock it. For me, it is irrelevant. I’m not raging at her, I’m not even a little bit angry…the truth is that I don’t care enough to forgive her. She is irrelevant to my life.

It feels really great to say that. She was an other woman who couldn’t handle his rejection, and she lashed out at me and my children. She did so much to try and make us miserable, but through it all, I never gave her the satisfaction of knowing she got to me.

She is a serial other woman, and is likely with another married man now, which is sad. Of course, she has convinced herself that somehow she is better than any man’s wife, but really, all she is is an easy “roll in he hay”…I pity her for that, as no woman should feel the need to reduce herself to that low point in her life. She could do so much better, but she doesn’t want to. Makes me think of a pig in muck…content, maybe because she doesn’t know any better.

Ah well, as long as my husband and I are happy, in the long run, it doesn’t matter 

Looking for Your Input

Up until now,  I've been talking about my life, experiences and opinions, but I'd like to hear from you.

Here's some questions for you:

online poll by Opinion Stage

online poll by Opinion Stage




 

online poll by Opinion Stage

Your answers will be anonymous, but I will share the results.Feel free to include any thing you'd like to share about your answers in the "comments' section for this post.

 

 

Affair Boosters?

During the affair, did your spouse have a small group of friends who thought that everything they were doing was just fine?

Did he or she make new ones, and stop spending time with those people who would not be supportive of their affair relationship?

Mine sure did.

During the time he was cheating, he began to distance himself from his friends and even his family who he knew would not support the affair. It’s understandable. After all, knowing how they felt, how could he look them in the face while he was cheating on his wife?

He made new friends, and one thing that really struck me at the time was that these people really were jerks! I couldn’t understand what he saw in them. They cheated on their wives regularly, and bragged abut it to one another. I think that, in them, he saw two people who he thought would understand him and not look down on him. He felt guilty enough himself without having it rubbed in his face by those he felt were “judging” him.

These two would give him advice on how to keep the affair a secret from me,  how to spend time with her without me being suspicious, and even on how to make me feel guilty for asking questions ( this is called “gas lighting’” which will be the topic of another post)…

The more they encouraged him, the less he saw that what he was doing was wrong.

With friends like that, who needs enemies?

"I love You, but I am not ' In Love' With You"

After my husband dropped the “I love you but I am not ' in love with you’ ” bomb…I was totally thrown for a loop.  I didn’t know what to do.

In desperation, I ended up looking online for support. I joined a couple of forums, but I got a lot of conflicting advice. Some said to kick him out, some said to try my best to be what he said he wanted. I joined one that allows both betrayed spouses and other men/women ( and even wayward spouses ) to join. I have to say that forum wasn’t really useful to me until after the affair was over.

At first I tried the advice that said to make the changes that he said he wanted. I quickly realized that wasn’t going to make any difference. The “reasons’ he was giving me for cheating weren’t really relevant, as he was really  just looking for any and every excuse he could think of to justify his actions. The more he could blame it on me, the less he had to examine the way he was acting.
One day I’d finally had enough. He’s been going back and forth between our place and hers ( he’d made up a room for himself in the basement) and his waffling was wearing me out. I was sick, not eating, exhausted and just couldn’t take it anymore.

I asked him if he was still seeing her ( of course I knew his  answer was going to be “yes”) but hearing it  just  made something inside me break. I told him that I’d had enough, I was willing to give our marriage one last chance, and after that I was going to see a lawyer about divorce ( I’d already talked to one, but he didn’t know that). It wasn’t an idle threat, ultimatum or manipulation tactic. I was just finished. The lawyer I’d spoken to had told me that I had good grounds for divorce and that it likely wouldn’t be a problem. He recommended that I tell him I was willing to give things one more try, and if , after that, I still wanted to go ahead with divorce, he would be happy to help.
 
I still remember just how I felt when I told him. His answer that he was still seeing her made me so hurt and angry. It was so hot in the house, and hearing that made me gasp for breath. I felt like I was going to pass out, but I didn’t. I summoned up my last ounce of strength and told him that I was finished, but I would give things one last chance, if that is what he wanted.

He started to cry , and told me that it was, he was exhausted from everything, but he didn’t know how we could ever go back after everything that had happened. How could things ever be okay again?

We sat with each other for a while, not saying anything. I finally broke the silence and told him that they might never be the same, but they could be even better, if we both wanted it enough.
Lucky for us, we had our first appointment with our new counsellor that night, and she helped us out a lot. Her first question to us was ” do you want to keep your marriage “…our answer was “yes”.
More about counselings in another post. 

What's an Emotional Affair Anyway?

Has your spouse developed a very close friendship with a member of the opposite sex and it’s making you feel uncomfortable? Do they spend lots of time chatting online with someone and you find them hiding the screen, closing windows or using the private browsing option when they're on the computer? Do they get lots of texts for someone you don’t know and do they hide them from you? Do they spend a lot of extra time at or after work “just hanging out” with a “friend” of the opposite sex? Most importantly, do you just feel in your heart that something is wrong?

If so, your spouse may be having an emotional affair.

You may be asking yourself ” what is an emotional affair?”…

It’s quite simple yet it can be extremely confusing. It happens when someone who is married has a friendship that gets too close and crosses the line to where it is something more . Here is an example:
Jane  is a married woman who works in an office. Bob works there too, and from time to time they chat over a cup of coffee in the break room. They talk about their spouses, their kids, they joke around and then go back to their desks. It’s all very platonic and innocent.

One day, Jane has a  minor fight with her husband and comes to work upset. During their now daily “coffee chats”, she confides in Bob about the fight and asks his advice.  He gives some, and she thanks him. they chat a bit and go back to work. In the back of his mind Bob is thinking about what a jerk Jane’s husband must be to have gotten her upset, she deserves someone better. He puts that thought out of his mind and finishes the day.

The next day he’s eager to get to work to see Jane and find out how her evening was. He’s kind of short with his wife, but doesn’t think much about it, as his mind is on Jane and her problems ( which, in reality, aren’t that bad. her husband is a nice guy who is really quite good to her and loves her and their kids a lot).

Meanwhile, Jane has taken Bob’s advice and she and her husband have made up.  She’s happy, but in the back of her mind she’s wishing he could be a bit more like Bob. The next day, she’s just as eager to get to work so she can see Bob and tell him about how his advice worked.

Bob gets to work, sees her at her desk with a happy look on her face and he smiles too. At break, he can’t wait to talk to her, and she can’t wait to talk to him. They enjoy a pleasant conversation, she tells him about taking his advice, and he’s happy that he helped her and made her happy.

The next day, their get a bit of a surprise when their boss assigns them to work on a project together. It’s a big one that will take a lot of work, but they are both secretly happy to be working together.
They both go home and tell their spouses about the new project, but for some reason, they don’t feel right telling their spouses who they will be working with.  It’s strange, as before they wouldn’t have thought twice about it, but for some reason, things seem different now.

They next day, they start their new assignment, and work closely together all day. Bob jokes around and Jane giggles…it’s actually kind of fun. During break, they exchange cell phone numbers and home email addresses in case they need to reach each other quickly to talk about the project details. .They also add each other as “Facebook friends”.

That evening, Jane logs in to her Facebook account and sees a friend request from Bob, which she accepts. She goes about answering some emails, etc., when all of a sudden she gets a chat message form Bob. She responds, and soon they are chatting away. The next morning, they meet each other at work, joke aorund a bit about their conversation and get to work.

The next day sees a repeat. Jane chats with Bob, he lets it slip that his wife is upset that he’s spending such long hours at the office and bringing his work home with him.  Jane sympathizes, as her husband has the same issues. They keep chatting about their spouses and how bossy or controlling they are, and soon they are running their spouses down to one another.

The next evening, it’s more of the same, but now when their spouses comes into the room, they hide their chat windows and pretend to be doing something else…Jane’s husband asks her why she’s spending so much time on the computer lately, and she snaps at him that it’s for work and he should leave her alone. He does, and as soon as he’s gone, she’s right back chatting with Bob about her husband and how awful he is. This makes Bob angry, as how could someone treat someone as special as Jane that way?

So it goes, they chat online, sometimes for hours, and after getting so much grief for asking about it , their spouses leave them alone. Both spouses know something is up, but not what it is. They each ask what is wrong, but are met with a  surly ” nothing..what’s wrong with you?”. Deep down, though, both Bob and Jane  know something isn’t right about what they are doing.

Jane and Bob want to be in even closer contact, so they are soon texting one another. Just as with their online chatting, they actively hide this from their respective spouses.They are spend hours chatting, texting etc., and spending less and less time with their husband/wife, children and doing other activities they used to enjoy.

Meanwhile, their spouses are becoming more and more unhappy about the state of things,  they get fed up and say something about it. Both Bob and Jane become angry at the accusations and insinuations, and they lash out with ” you don’t trust me” and ” I don’t have a problem, you have a problem”( a great example of "gaslighting"). There is a real air of tension and anger in their homes which draws them even closer together.

Neither of them really realize just how close they’ve gotten until one evening after work Jane suggests they go out for a drink to unwind after all the hours they put in on the project. They have their drink, and Bob suggests that he drive her home rather than her having to take the train. She agrees, and when they get into his car, his hand brushes hers and before they really realize it, they are hugging and kissing one another…

I’m sure you know the rest of the story…

What exactly happened here? Neither Bob nor Jane was looking for an affair, both of them have a marriage that was good ( up until that point), and there had never been anything physical between them.

The problem is that they had been engaging in an emotional affair. They were bonding together, hiding things from their spouses, running their spouses down to each other and telling each other things that they wouldn’t want their spouses to know about. They were also becoming angry and short tempered with them and neglecting the marriages. Part of this may have been out of guilt, part of it may have been because they saw their spouse as taking time away form chatting with one another and part of it may have been that their spouse knew something was wrong and called them on it.

When you’re married, you can and should have lots of friends. same sex or other sex doesn’t matter, as long as you have good boundaries and know when a friendship is getting too close. The minute you feel that you need to hide something about the friendship from your spouse ( or a need to hide something that was said between the two of you) you know it’s time to take a step back and walk away. If you are hiding texts, closing chat windows, or lying about meeting with your friend, you know you have a problem.

Emotional affairs can hurt just as much, if not more, than an affair that’s just for sex. While they can sometimes lead to a physical affair, they don’t always do so ( especially if it’s a long distance online sort of thing) but they are every bit as hurtful to a betrayed spouse.

The minute you feel like there is a change in the relationship and it’s starting to feel like more than a friendship, walk away. In spite of what many will tell you, emotional affairs don’t “just happen”…on some level, one always knows something is up.

What about Bob and Jane? Their emotional affair became a physical one, which went on for a few weeks. One day, one of their co-workers overhead something”unprofessional” between the two of them, and the office rumor mill got going.Soon, everyone at the office knew, and word reached their boss who called them in and they were both taken off the project and disciplined.

As for their spouses,  Bob’s wife happened to stumble across an email between the two of them, and figured out what was going on. She looked a bit further and found more evidence. She confronted Bob, who lied, but she knew the truth. She found out Jane’s name and phone number and called her husband so that he would know what was going on…

What happened after that? You decide 
 

Who Am I ?

Some of you reading this may wonder who I am in my “real” life…

While I won’t tell you my name or where I live, I will tell you this much.
I am a real person.

For cheating/wayward spouses:

I’m really pretty much like your spouse. I loved my husband before, during and after he had an affair. I still love him today. I may not be perfect, but I am doing the best I can to struggle through our lives together.
His affair killed a part of me that I will never get back. He worked so hard for me to be able to trust him again, and of all the people in the world, I trust him the most.  Is it 100%? The sad answer is “no”. I’d give just about anything to have those days back when I would have answered “yes”.
It’s not that I don’t trust him not to cheat, I can honestly say that I don’t think he ever will again. It’s more that I might never trust him again when he says he loves me.
See, when he was cheating, and before he left to go be with “her”, he told me that he loved me. I really believed him, and maybe he did tell me the truth as he knew it to be at the time. My problem is that he was saying that to me, yet he was cheating anyway.
I’d like to think that my feelings about this will change with time. I really hope they do. I can’t wait for the day when his affair no longer colors my feelings, when I won’t worry about every time he’s in a bad mood that it’s a sign that he’s cheating. Given more time, those days will come, but it’s been awhile now, and I’m getting tired of waiting.

For the other/men women:

If you’ve ever wondered what you married person’s spouse is like, they are probably much like me, and not much different from you. They are no better or worse than anyone else. They live their lives the best way they know how. They may not be angels, but they are likely not demons either. If you met them and didn’t know who they were, you might even like them.
Many other men and women have to vilianize or even depersonalize the betrayed spouse. It’s so much easier to be in an affair with someone’s spouse if you think that they, on some level ” deserve ” to be cheated on.
But you know what? No one deserves that kind of treatment.
I once read some internet posts by some other women who were proud of what they were doing. They took great pride in the fact that a man would “love” them enough to cheat on his wife with them. They didn’t care that it hurt her, and on some level, I think they found it funny.  Does that sound like the person you want to be?
I don’t know what he/she tells you, but when they go home, they likely are still living a normal married life, and perhaps even doing their best to make it so great that their spouse won’t be suspicious. They are probably still sleeping with their spouse, still having sex, still saying ” I love you ” to them.
They likely don’t know a thing about the affair, and when they find out, it will rock them to their very core. How do you feel about being part of something that will hurt someone so very much?
One more thing to keep in mind…should the spouse find out about the affair, you can expect that your married man/woman will suddenly want nothing more than to keep their marriage intact. Some betrayed spouses accept that, and some tell their cheating spouse to leave. A few will, but many of them will cry, beg and do anything they can to save their marriage, even if that means hurting you. It’s so common an occurrence that it even has a name…” getting thrown under the bus” happens a lot of the time.
When it come right down to it, don’t you deserve better than this? Don’t you deserve to be someone’s one and only and not second fiddle?

For betrayed spouses:

I am not that much different from you. I could be neighbor, friend, relative, the person you work with, just about anyone.
There seems to be a series of things that betrayed spouses go through after they find out about the affair that are almost universal. That’s why I started this blog. For a long time I participated in online infidelity forums, and I realized that most people had stories much like mine. While the details may be different, the overall feelings and experiences are very similar. If I can get through it, if they can get through it, so can you.

Some more details about me:


Here are a few things about me that I want to share:

- I am a real person who is telling the truth about my life. No one was paid to make up a story and post it here…it’s all too real.

- We were married about 12 years when  my husband cheated. We reconciled, and are still happily married, over 17 years now

- We have several children, and some of them have significant health issues. I stay at home to look after them. I do some online work to earn some extra income…it’s not much, but every bit helps.

I hope you continue to read my blog, and feel free to comment or share your own stories.

A Visit is Just What the Doctor Ordered

One of the most embarrassing things that happened after my husband’s affair was having to go to my doctor to ask to be tested for STD’s.  It was absolutely humiliating, although in truth, I don’t know why. I had no real reason to be ashamed, yet I was. I think that in many ways, admitting to him that my husband had cheated forced me to look it square in the face. The shame I felt that he could do that, the embarrassment at somehow not being good enough, the anger at the betrayal.

At any rate, my doctor is a wonderful man. He listened to me while I tearfully told him what had happened, and he asked if there was anything I needed. I told him I wanted to be tested, which he did. Then he asked me how I was feeling. He told me it wasn’t my fault , men can be jerks, and that if there was anything I could do, just to let him know.

Just by listening, he’d already done so much.

Fortunately, all the tests results came back negative.

That’s the way it was for me after the affair. I thought I was handling it well, and then something would happen and it would hit me all over again…the hurt and sadness would come flooding back. There were times I thought I was gang crazy.

Turns out, what I was feeling was completely normal and almost every betrayed spouse goes through something similar.

Reaching Out When You Need Support

Your heart is broken and your head is spinning…you just found out about the affair.

One of thing that can be very important to you right now is finding support. For some, that means telling people what happened. Some do this, some prefer to hide the fact that their spouse has cheated.  There is no right or wrong way to handle it. Do whatever works for you.

I told my parents and some close friends. I live far away from any of my relatives, but my parents were there for me 100%, as were my friends.

My friends took me out for coffee to talk about what had happened. I was supposed to be at a board meeting with them that night, but I was devastated and knew I couldn’t go; besides, with the state I was in, I wouldn’t have been any use that night anyway.   I called my other close friend who was also on the board, and as soon as the meeting was over, they came to get me.

We sat out in her van and we talked for a long time. I sat in the back, as I didn’t want them to see how bad it was or me, but they knew. I had no idea what I was going to do, but talking about things helped so much. After that, they made sure to get me out of the house when they could, and during the times when my husband was waffling back and forth, they also made sure I got to all my kids appointments on time.

My mom and dad were also great. they talked me through a lot of things, and were kind but firm. They let me be sad and cry, but they also made sure that I started standing up for myself and making some very difficult choices.

I know it was hard for them to hear me go through all of that. My dad especially had his heart broken too. It’s just part and parcel of the pain that affairs can cause.

I once heard an other woman lament about how the betrayed spouse has it so much easier than an other woman, as "she at least has her spouse for support and she isn’t alone". To that, I say ” are you kidding me? The very idea of what you’re saying is ridiculous…but given your attitude, it’s about what I expected”

Some people really are as thick as brick…

Let's Talk About the Other Man or Other Woman

One of the topics that people always seem to want to talk about when it comes to affairs is the other man/ woman…who are they, what do they look like, what did the cheating spouse do with them, how are they different?
 

In my case, she was a serial other woman who preferred to date married men. Personally, I don’t understand why anyone would want to do that…what is the attraction? After all, they can’t be with her full time, they can’t let anyone see them together, they can’t go anywhere anyone would recognize them…

With people like her, I think she gets off on the idea that someone elses husband finds her attractive enough to cheat on his wife with and it's quite exciting. It’s a boost to her self esteem, and she really doesn’t give a damn who gets hurt in the process….as long as she gets her ” fix” all is right in the world.  I also don’t think she likes other women very much. She sees them as competition for her, and if she can make them feel bad, that’s an added bonus…

Mind you, there is also the pragmatic side of it. By sleeping with married guys she works with, she moves up in her job. They also buy her things and take her places that she could never other wise afford.  They pay for her favors and she loves it that way.

There are other women like her out there…emotional vampires who suck the very life out of others and then move on…they see themselves as somehow above everybody else, and in many ways act like the schoolyard bully form your childhood…but watch out should you cross them…

There's also those who feel entitled to whatever they want in life. From their point of view, there is nothing wrong with dating married person. It all fits into their ethos. These are the moral relativists...the people who fashion their set of values to whatever suits them or best meets their needs. To them the only "wrong" is something that hurts them, not someone else. 

Of course, there is another side to the story…

Some other women aren’t serial women…some are lied to by the married guy. He says he’s separated or divorced and makes it sound like he’s a free agent, when that couldn’t be further from the truth. These women really are used in a really shabby way, and as far as I’m concerned, they are right up there with the betrayed spouse in terms of pain and damage done to them.

Which brings us to the type of other woman who I  call ” the opportunist” . She doesn’t go out looking for a married guy,but if he finds one she likes, or if one hits on her, all of sudden he’s fair game and they’ll find a million excuses as to why their affair is okay. They are deeply in  ” lurve” ( insert eye roll here) , they are ” soul mates” , his wife is a witch who just doesn’t understand him or some other such nonsense. These are the ones who cry and moan and beg for sympathy and pity when the affair ends. No one can ever understand them, and anyone who doesn’t agree with them or calls them out about their actions just doesn’t see the world in “shades of grey’ the way they do. Oh, they tried to repel him, but he just kept coming and coming until she had no choice but to give in.

 Oh please! Give me a break! Don’t they remember all those “just say no” tv commercials :).  They say he doesn’t love his wife, if he did he wouldn’t cheat. They feel that he invited them into his marriage so why should she feel bad? You know the type…the self entitled, whiny ” me first” girls…and heaven help if anyone calls them out about their behavior. how dare someone "judge' or "shame' them like that!

Next, we have the type of other women who really does regret what she has done. The affair ends and she feels terrible about the pain that it caused. These other women are usually decent people, who did just make a stupid mistake that they feel bad about. They are just like me in a  lot of ways, and I really think that a lot of other women fit this description.
 
Lastly, there are the proverbial ” bunny boilers”. These can be any one of the above types who either is a few bricks short of a load to start with, or they just sort of crack when they don’t get their own way.  They  lash out at the betrayed spouse, her children, her ex married man, and anyone and everyone else.  her behavior can range form annoying to downright dangerous. The other woman in my situation was like that…more about her in later posts.

I used to think all other women ( and men too) were the same, but they aren’t…they come in many varieties, so it takes a variety of ways to deal with them…

Most seem to want to be left alone when the affair ends. They don’t want you in their life any more than you want them. If this is the case, then it’s best to leave her alone unless you have questions you want to ask.You're not going to get anywhere by contacting her.

Feeling Really Lost

After my husband left, I was feeling totally lost and absolutely shocked. I never, not in a million years, thought that something like this could happen.

We’d been married almost twelve years, and I’d always thought that we’d had a good marriage. While we’d had our ups and downs, things had always been solid between us.

All of a sudden, one of the major truths that I’d known in my life was gone…and that can totally throw you off balance. I found it hard to eat, sleep, and just functioning was difficult. I started losing weight (  a long time afterwards I jokingly referred to it as “losing the affair 30″ ) and just generally felt miserable.

I wanted to cry, scream, curl up in a ball and just be left alone. Nothing made any sense to me anymore.

A few weeks before all of this, we’d gotten a Wii, and I put it to good use doing the Wii Fit exercises ..they kept my mind off things, especially at night when things were quiet and there was nothing else to think about. I’d do them until was so tired I could hardly see straight…that’s what it took for me to fall asleep every night.

We have several children, who were quite young at the time. In some ways it made it harder, as I had to put on a happy face for them..in other ways, they saved me because they took my mind off of things…

They had their problems and issues that needed my attention. I couldn't focus solely on myself.

More about children and affairs in future posts.

When the Bomb Drops...

I think a person will always remember the day they found out for sure that their spouse was cheating….

I knew something was up. He’d been spending more and more time online chatting with a girl from work. He told me they were “just friends”, and I believed him. I think that, on some level, I knew something was off, but I didn’t know what.

At first, he’d spend a few minutes chatting with her on Facebook, and I was welcome to see it. Before long, that changed. The chat sessions got longer and longer and he’d hide them from me. Soon, he’d snap at me if I even  mentioned how much time he spent chatting. He started going to bed after I did ( all of a sudden he was no longer tired late at night) so he could chat with her more and more without me or our kids around.

One night, I couldn’t sleep, and I stayed up late surfing on Facebook. Lo and behold who should pop up but her with a friend request and an invitation to chat. She seemed friendly enough, so I started chatting. She asked all kinds of questions about me, my husband, our kids and our marriage. I thought that was a little weird, but put it out of my mind. ( more on why she did that in future posts).

One night, I’d finally had enough, and I asked him to stop chatting with her. He was ticked off but with an embarrassed look on his face, he told me he would, but that he wanted to take her out for coffee to explain to her why he couldn’t chat anymore.

He came home and he was really angry and curt.

A few days later he got an emergency message from her that she needed help and could he come over. He asked me about it, and then he left “for a few minutes”…five hours later, he came home and “dropped the bomb”…

I got the infamous ” i love you but I’m not in love with you” and then he left to go stay with her.
It was the most horrible time in my life. I literally thought my heart would stop….

That was a long time ago, but it feels like it was only yesterday

Take Time to Look After Yourself

When you find out your spouse has been cheating, it can feel like a real punch in the gut. You can become nauseous and even sick to your stomach( I know I did) ….

You find it hard to keep anything down, and this is just as true for husbands as it is for wives who have found out about their spouse’s infidelity…

What ever else you do, it’s vital that you eat well and look after yourself. You need to keep a good head on your shoulders and this is hard to do when you are hungry.

Make yourself eat something, even if you don’t feel like it. Even a nutritious fruit smoothie will help. Make a blend of fruit, milk and an extra bit of sugar.  Take a multi vitamin supplement to make sure you aren’t missing anything. Soup and crackers can be nutritious and comforting…they remind you of simpler times in your life.

eat something healthy

If you feel nauseous, try drinking some ginger tea or natural ginger beer. The ginger calms your stomach but won’t make you sleepy the way some over the counter anti nausea medications can.
I can’t over emphasize enough that you see a doctor. Don’t be embarrassed or ashamed to let them know what happened and why you are there. If you are having trouble eating, let them know. If you are feeling really stressed out, they,ay be able to recommend some solutions or refer you for therapeutic massage to help you relax.

Most importantly, remember that no matter what happens, you will get through this. Things will get better and the sun will shine again.

You Never Expected This...

I thought it would be good to start at the beginning…

So you’ve just found out about the affair, and it feels like your whole world is crashing down around you. Hopefully, you’ve found out because your spouse told you, but all too often you find out all on your own.

It feels like you’ve been kicked in the gut. At first, you can hardly believe it. How can the person who you trusted to always be in your corner do this to you? Either this is a bad practical joke or there must be some kind of mistake. You realize that it’s all to real…the words are either right there in front of you, either you heard them or saw them printed on the screen or on paper and they hang in the air.
What do you do? How will you get through this? Who did they cheat with/ What will happen to your kids? is this the end of your marriage? What did you do wrong? There’s a million questions flying through your head, and you feel like everything is spinning out of control. Your legs feel weak and you may even feel like you’re going to pass out.

Welcome to the club no one wants to be a part of. Many have been right where you are. The good news is that they have survived it, and so will you.

Breathe and take a minute to get your bearings.


What you do next depends on you and the situation.

Did your spouse tell you because they felt guilty?

Do they want the affair to end?

Do they say they want to separate and divorce?

Did they admit to the affair only because you found out on your own or because the other man/woman “outed” you?

All of these questions, plus many more, will be things you’ll need to find the answers to, but that will come later.

Right now, just worry about the immediate concerns. Take deep breaths, relax and try to keep a clear mind. If you need to talk to someone, call a trusted friend or family member, even if it’s late at night. they will understand. If you feel like you might hurt yourself or someone else, call a crisis hotline or even 911

Most importantly remember…you will get through this

Just Found Out About the Affair? Here's Some Practical Advice to Help you Find Your Way

When you first find out about the affair, your head may be swimming. It can feel like you’ve been punched in the gut and you don’t know what to do, here are some simple ideas to help you get through this difficult time…

- Don’t feel that you have to decide anything right now. You may find that you swing back and forth in what you want to do. That’s normal. Give yourself the time and space you need to think clearly.

- Do make sure that you eat regularly and watch your health. Look after yourself. If you can’t eat regular meals, at least try to eat healthy snacks.

- Don’t isolate yourself. Build a support network of friends and family members who you can trust to help you through this rough time in your life.

- Don’t let anyone tell you how you should or should not feel. That being sad, if you are seriously thinking of haring yourself or someone else, get help immediately. Call a friend, doctor or emergency number. It’s okay to ask for help when you need it.

- Do get tested for std’s. This is very important, no matter what your spouse may have told you. Even if they claim there was no sex, they used protection, or anything else. You need to be tested, even f it’s only for your own peace of mind.

- Do see a lawyer to get legal advice about the logistics of separation/divorce. After all, knowledge is power!

- Do get counseling both for yourself and marriage counseling for you and your spouse.

- Do talk to your spouse about how you feel. If you can’t speak verbally, write it down and share this with your spouse. Ask them to do the same.

When you feel ready to, do talk to your spouse about why they cheated. Don’t accept excuses, but Do accept that there may have been problems in your marriage that you need to work on together.

- If you find them helpful, do read lots of books about dealing with infidelity. Take from them what is useful to you and leave the rest.

- There are  many infidelity forums out there…Do look around and find one that is helpful for you.

- Don’t feel ashamed to talk to others about what is going on in your life

- Don’t feel obligated to forgive the other man/woman. Some find this helpful, some don’t. Do what’s right for you.

- Do take time to be kind to yourself.

- Do try to do some things that are new and exciting with your spouse, when you feel ready.

- Do tell your spouse when you are feeling insecure about yourself. They can help you to feel better.

- If there are any letters, gifts, emails, messages, etc. from the other man or woman, do feel free to do with them as you wish. Some reconciling spouses feel that destroying them together can symbolize the final act of moving past the affair.

- Do tell your spouse what you need form them to move forward. Tell them what you need from them to feel that you can trust them again.

- Do expect that there may be situations/songs/ movies, etc. that can bring all the pain flooding back. If that happens, do talk to your spouse.

-Do resist the urge to be “perfect”. Nobody is and it will exhaust you.

- Do assign blame however you see fit. Some people will tell you that you can’t blame the other man/woman as they were  not the cause of the affair. Maybe that’s true, maybe not ( nine times out of ten it’s the other man/woman who says that). In my own situation, I assigned blame to my spouse for the decisions he made, and blame to her for the choices she made. It worked for me and didn’t keep me from “healing”

- Don’t be discouraged if it sometimes seems like it’s two steps forward and one step back…as long as you are moving on, it’s all good

- Do know that if you feel that reconciling isn’t for you, it’s okay to end things. Not every marriage is one that will last

- Do celebrate the little milestones of reconciliation. It can be a long and hard road, but it’s so worth it!

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I just found out my spouse is cheat...what do I do now?

Have You Been Hurt by an Affair? You're Not Alone

One of the sad truths about marriage is that it is not always perfect or even smoothy sailing. There are lots of women and men out there who are looking for hope that a marriage can be reconciled after an affair…let me assure you, it is possible!

There are lots of people who will tell you that you can’t reconcile, that you’re better off divorced, and in some situations, that may be true. In others, reconciliation is the right choice.

In this blog, I’ll share my story ( some things will be changed to protect people’s identity). I’ll also include some words of wisdom from other men and women who have been through similar situations in their lives. I’ll also talk about my views on the other man/woman, the cheating spouse and lots of other affair related subject.

I’ll appreciate any and all comments, and I hope that you find this blog useful to you, whichever road you choose to take.

Welcome to my blog, and I hope you like i.