"I love You, but I am not ' In Love' With You"

After my husband dropped the “I love you but I am not ' in love with you’ ” bomb…I was totally thrown for a loop.  I didn’t know what to do.

In desperation, I ended up looking online for support. I joined a couple of forums, but I got a lot of conflicting advice. Some said to kick him out, some said to try my best to be what he said he wanted. I joined one that allows both betrayed spouses and other men/women ( and even wayward spouses ) to join. I have to say that forum wasn’t really useful to me until after the affair was over.

At first I tried the advice that said to make the changes that he said he wanted. I quickly realized that wasn’t going to make any difference. The “reasons’ he was giving me for cheating weren’t really relevant, as he was really  just looking for any and every excuse he could think of to justify his actions. The more he could blame it on me, the less he had to examine the way he was acting.
One day I’d finally had enough. He’s been going back and forth between our place and hers ( he’d made up a room for himself in the basement) and his waffling was wearing me out. I was sick, not eating, exhausted and just couldn’t take it anymore.

I asked him if he was still seeing her ( of course I knew his  answer was going to be “yes”) but hearing it  just  made something inside me break. I told him that I’d had enough, I was willing to give our marriage one last chance, and after that I was going to see a lawyer about divorce ( I’d already talked to one, but he didn’t know that). It wasn’t an idle threat, ultimatum or manipulation tactic. I was just finished. The lawyer I’d spoken to had told me that I had good grounds for divorce and that it likely wouldn’t be a problem. He recommended that I tell him I was willing to give things one more try, and if , after that, I still wanted to go ahead with divorce, he would be happy to help.
 
I still remember just how I felt when I told him. His answer that he was still seeing her made me so hurt and angry. It was so hot in the house, and hearing that made me gasp for breath. I felt like I was going to pass out, but I didn’t. I summoned up my last ounce of strength and told him that I was finished, but I would give things one last chance, if that is what he wanted.

He started to cry , and told me that it was, he was exhausted from everything, but he didn’t know how we could ever go back after everything that had happened. How could things ever be okay again?

We sat with each other for a while, not saying anything. I finally broke the silence and told him that they might never be the same, but they could be even better, if we both wanted it enough.
Lucky for us, we had our first appointment with our new counsellor that night, and she helped us out a lot. Her first question to us was ” do you want to keep your marriage “…our answer was “yes”.
More about counselings in another post. 

Social Media and Infidelity…Do They Go Hand in Hand?

 

The recent advent of social media has made it easier for many people to get involved in an affair.  According to one report, more than half of people who were cheating on their spouses used some form of social media such as texting, online chatting, or other social media websites to do so at some point during the affair.
It can start out innocently enough when old boyfriends/girlfriends or even just old friends reunite online. A platonic relationship gets started, and often before either party realizes what’s happening, they’ve gone too far.
Even spouses who are open with their online accounts are not immune.
Of course, this does not mean that you should be suspicious of all social media contact, but there are some clues that something could be wrong. Some examples of this include:
- turning off the ring tone on a cell phone so that a spouse won’t be aware of an incoming call or text
- your husband or wife feeling a sudden need to lock  phone, laptops, tablets, etc.and use and hide the passwords from you
- your spouse taking the phone into the bathroom or somewhere else private to make or receive calls, emails or texts
- your spouse suddenly spending large amounts of time online or on the phone
- your husband /wife overreacting if you attempt to answer an incoming call or text on their phone
- your spouse having a meltdown if you even hint that they may be spending too much time online
If any of these “warning signs” happen, it’s time to discuss your concerns.
Here are a few tips to help prevent an affair form starting online:
- don’t become too emotionally connected to someone online.
- don’t allow a blurring of the line between the online world and the real world
-don’t keep secrets from your spouse. if you feel a need to keep a relationship secret, that is a serious danger signal.
-have strong boundaries. know when a  friendship is crossing the line, and step back as soon as it even comes close.
-don’t become so enmeshed in the online world that you lose touch with the real world.
-if you are having a problem with your spouse, let them know and not someone online.
While social media is not an inherently bad thing, and it can not “make” someone cheat, if a person has poor boundaries to start with, it can be very easy for them to use it to cheat.

Posted on September 7, 2013 | Leave a comment | Edit

source: http://www.abc3340.com/story/20318792/infidelity-occurring-through-social-media

What's an Emotional Affair Anyway?

Has your spouse developed a very close friendship with a member of the opposite sex and it’s making you feel uncomfortable? Do they spend lots of time chatting online with someone and you find them hiding the screen, closing windows or using the private browsing option when they're on the computer? Do they get lots of texts for someone you don’t know and do they hide them from you? Do they spend a lot of extra time at or after work “just hanging out” with a “friend” of the opposite sex? Most importantly, do you just feel in your heart that something is wrong?

If so, your spouse may be having an emotional affair.

You may be asking yourself ” what is an emotional affair?”…

It’s quite simple yet it can be extremely confusing. It happens when someone who is married has a friendship that gets too close and crosses the line to where it is something more . Here is an example:
Jane  is a married woman who works in an office. Bob works there too, and from time to time they chat over a cup of coffee in the break room. They talk about their spouses, their kids, they joke around and then go back to their desks. It’s all very platonic and innocent.

One day, Jane has a  minor fight with her husband and comes to work upset. During their now daily “coffee chats”, she confides in Bob about the fight and asks his advice.  He gives some, and she thanks him. they chat a bit and go back to work. In the back of his mind Bob is thinking about what a jerk Jane’s husband must be to have gotten her upset, she deserves someone better. He puts that thought out of his mind and finishes the day.

The next day he’s eager to get to work to see Jane and find out how her evening was. He’s kind of short with his wife, but doesn’t think much about it, as his mind is on Jane and her problems ( which, in reality, aren’t that bad. her husband is a nice guy who is really quite good to her and loves her and their kids a lot).

Meanwhile, Jane has taken Bob’s advice and she and her husband have made up.  She’s happy, but in the back of her mind she’s wishing he could be a bit more like Bob. The next day, she’s just as eager to get to work so she can see Bob and tell him about how his advice worked.

Bob gets to work, sees her at her desk with a happy look on her face and he smiles too. At break, he can’t wait to talk to her, and she can’t wait to talk to him. They enjoy a pleasant conversation, she tells him about taking his advice, and he’s happy that he helped her and made her happy.

The next day, their get a bit of a surprise when their boss assigns them to work on a project together. It’s a big one that will take a lot of work, but they are both secretly happy to be working together.
They both go home and tell their spouses about the new project, but for some reason, they don’t feel right telling their spouses who they will be working with.  It’s strange, as before they wouldn’t have thought twice about it, but for some reason, things seem different now.

They next day, they start their new assignment, and work closely together all day. Bob jokes around and Jane giggles…it’s actually kind of fun. During break, they exchange cell phone numbers and home email addresses in case they need to reach each other quickly to talk about the project details. .They also add each other as “Facebook friends”.

That evening, Jane logs in to her Facebook account and sees a friend request from Bob, which she accepts. She goes about answering some emails, etc., when all of a sudden she gets a chat message form Bob. She responds, and soon they are chatting away. The next morning, they meet each other at work, joke aorund a bit about their conversation and get to work.

The next day sees a repeat. Jane chats with Bob, he lets it slip that his wife is upset that he’s spending such long hours at the office and bringing his work home with him.  Jane sympathizes, as her husband has the same issues. They keep chatting about their spouses and how bossy or controlling they are, and soon they are running their spouses down to one another.

The next evening, it’s more of the same, but now when their spouses comes into the room, they hide their chat windows and pretend to be doing something else…Jane’s husband asks her why she’s spending so much time on the computer lately, and she snaps at him that it’s for work and he should leave her alone. He does, and as soon as he’s gone, she’s right back chatting with Bob about her husband and how awful he is. This makes Bob angry, as how could someone treat someone as special as Jane that way?

So it goes, they chat online, sometimes for hours, and after getting so much grief for asking about it , their spouses leave them alone. Both spouses know something is up, but not what it is. They each ask what is wrong, but are met with a  surly ” nothing..what’s wrong with you?”. Deep down, though, both Bob and Jane  know something isn’t right about what they are doing.

Jane and Bob want to be in even closer contact, so they are soon texting one another. Just as with their online chatting, they actively hide this from their respective spouses.They are spend hours chatting, texting etc., and spending less and less time with their husband/wife, children and doing other activities they used to enjoy.

Meanwhile, their spouses are becoming more and more unhappy about the state of things,  they get fed up and say something about it. Both Bob and Jane become angry at the accusations and insinuations, and they lash out with ” you don’t trust me” and ” I don’t have a problem, you have a problem”( a great example of "gaslighting"). There is a real air of tension and anger in their homes which draws them even closer together.

Neither of them really realize just how close they’ve gotten until one evening after work Jane suggests they go out for a drink to unwind after all the hours they put in on the project. They have their drink, and Bob suggests that he drive her home rather than her having to take the train. She agrees, and when they get into his car, his hand brushes hers and before they really realize it, they are hugging and kissing one another…

I’m sure you know the rest of the story…

What exactly happened here? Neither Bob nor Jane was looking for an affair, both of them have a marriage that was good ( up until that point), and there had never been anything physical between them.

The problem is that they had been engaging in an emotional affair. They were bonding together, hiding things from their spouses, running their spouses down to each other and telling each other things that they wouldn’t want their spouses to know about. They were also becoming angry and short tempered with them and neglecting the marriages. Part of this may have been out of guilt, part of it may have been because they saw their spouse as taking time away form chatting with one another and part of it may have been that their spouse knew something was wrong and called them on it.

When you’re married, you can and should have lots of friends. same sex or other sex doesn’t matter, as long as you have good boundaries and know when a friendship is getting too close. The minute you feel that you need to hide something about the friendship from your spouse ( or a need to hide something that was said between the two of you) you know it’s time to take a step back and walk away. If you are hiding texts, closing chat windows, or lying about meeting with your friend, you know you have a problem.

Emotional affairs can hurt just as much, if not more, than an affair that’s just for sex. While they can sometimes lead to a physical affair, they don’t always do so ( especially if it’s a long distance online sort of thing) but they are every bit as hurtful to a betrayed spouse.

The minute you feel like there is a change in the relationship and it’s starting to feel like more than a friendship, walk away. In spite of what many will tell you, emotional affairs don’t “just happen”…on some level, one always knows something is up.

What about Bob and Jane? Their emotional affair became a physical one, which went on for a few weeks. One day, one of their co-workers overhead something”unprofessional” between the two of them, and the office rumor mill got going.Soon, everyone at the office knew, and word reached their boss who called them in and they were both taken off the project and disciplined.

As for their spouses,  Bob’s wife happened to stumble across an email between the two of them, and figured out what was going on. She looked a bit further and found more evidence. She confronted Bob, who lied, but she knew the truth. She found out Jane’s name and phone number and called her husband so that he would know what was going on…

What happened after that? You decide 
 

Who Am I ?

Some of you reading this may wonder who I am in my “real” life…

While I won’t tell you my name or where I live, I will tell you this much.
I am a real person.

For cheating/wayward spouses:

I’m really pretty much like your spouse. I loved my husband before, during and after he had an affair. I still love him today. I may not be perfect, but I am doing the best I can to struggle through our lives together.
His affair killed a part of me that I will never get back. He worked so hard for me to be able to trust him again, and of all the people in the world, I trust him the most.  Is it 100%? The sad answer is “no”. I’d give just about anything to have those days back when I would have answered “yes”.
It’s not that I don’t trust him not to cheat, I can honestly say that I don’t think he ever will again. It’s more that I might never trust him again when he says he loves me.
See, when he was cheating, and before he left to go be with “her”, he told me that he loved me. I really believed him, and maybe he did tell me the truth as he knew it to be at the time. My problem is that he was saying that to me, yet he was cheating anyway.
I’d like to think that my feelings about this will change with time. I really hope they do. I can’t wait for the day when his affair no longer colors my feelings, when I won’t worry about every time he’s in a bad mood that it’s a sign that he’s cheating. Given more time, those days will come, but it’s been awhile now, and I’m getting tired of waiting.

For the other/men women:

If you’ve ever wondered what you married person’s spouse is like, they are probably much like me, and not much different from you. They are no better or worse than anyone else. They live their lives the best way they know how. They may not be angels, but they are likely not demons either. If you met them and didn’t know who they were, you might even like them.
Many other men and women have to vilianize or even depersonalize the betrayed spouse. It’s so much easier to be in an affair with someone’s spouse if you think that they, on some level ” deserve ” to be cheated on.
But you know what? No one deserves that kind of treatment.
I once read some internet posts by some other women who were proud of what they were doing. They took great pride in the fact that a man would “love” them enough to cheat on his wife with them. They didn’t care that it hurt her, and on some level, I think they found it funny.  Does that sound like the person you want to be?
I don’t know what he/she tells you, but when they go home, they likely are still living a normal married life, and perhaps even doing their best to make it so great that their spouse won’t be suspicious. They are probably still sleeping with their spouse, still having sex, still saying ” I love you ” to them.
They likely don’t know a thing about the affair, and when they find out, it will rock them to their very core. How do you feel about being part of something that will hurt someone so very much?
One more thing to keep in mind…should the spouse find out about the affair, you can expect that your married man/woman will suddenly want nothing more than to keep their marriage intact. Some betrayed spouses accept that, and some tell their cheating spouse to leave. A few will, but many of them will cry, beg and do anything they can to save their marriage, even if that means hurting you. It’s so common an occurrence that it even has a name…” getting thrown under the bus” happens a lot of the time.
When it come right down to it, don’t you deserve better than this? Don’t you deserve to be someone’s one and only and not second fiddle?

For betrayed spouses:

I am not that much different from you. I could be neighbor, friend, relative, the person you work with, just about anyone.
There seems to be a series of things that betrayed spouses go through after they find out about the affair that are almost universal. That’s why I started this blog. For a long time I participated in online infidelity forums, and I realized that most people had stories much like mine. While the details may be different, the overall feelings and experiences are very similar. If I can get through it, if they can get through it, so can you.

Some more details about me:


Here are a few things about me that I want to share:

- I am a real person who is telling the truth about my life. No one was paid to make up a story and post it here…it’s all too real.

- We were married about 12 years when  my husband cheated. We reconciled, and are still happily married, over 17 years now

- We have several children, and some of them have significant health issues. I stay at home to look after them. I do some online work to earn some extra income…it’s not much, but every bit helps.

I hope you continue to read my blog, and feel free to comment or share your own stories.

A Visit is Just What the Doctor Ordered

One of the most embarrassing things that happened after my husband’s affair was having to go to my doctor to ask to be tested for STD’s.  It was absolutely humiliating, although in truth, I don’t know why. I had no real reason to be ashamed, yet I was. I think that in many ways, admitting to him that my husband had cheated forced me to look it square in the face. The shame I felt that he could do that, the embarrassment at somehow not being good enough, the anger at the betrayal.

At any rate, my doctor is a wonderful man. He listened to me while I tearfully told him what had happened, and he asked if there was anything I needed. I told him I wanted to be tested, which he did. Then he asked me how I was feeling. He told me it wasn’t my fault , men can be jerks, and that if there was anything I could do, just to let him know.

Just by listening, he’d already done so much.

Fortunately, all the tests results came back negative.

That’s the way it was for me after the affair. I thought I was handling it well, and then something would happen and it would hit me all over again…the hurt and sadness would come flooding back. There were times I thought I was gang crazy.

Turns out, what I was feeling was completely normal and almost every betrayed spouse goes through something similar.

Reaching Out When You Need Support

Your heart is broken and your head is spinning…you just found out about the affair.

One of thing that can be very important to you right now is finding support. For some, that means telling people what happened. Some do this, some prefer to hide the fact that their spouse has cheated.  There is no right or wrong way to handle it. Do whatever works for you.

I told my parents and some close friends. I live far away from any of my relatives, but my parents were there for me 100%, as were my friends.

My friends took me out for coffee to talk about what had happened. I was supposed to be at a board meeting with them that night, but I was devastated and knew I couldn’t go; besides, with the state I was in, I wouldn’t have been any use that night anyway.   I called my other close friend who was also on the board, and as soon as the meeting was over, they came to get me.

We sat out in her van and we talked for a long time. I sat in the back, as I didn’t want them to see how bad it was or me, but they knew. I had no idea what I was going to do, but talking about things helped so much. After that, they made sure to get me out of the house when they could, and during the times when my husband was waffling back and forth, they also made sure I got to all my kids appointments on time.

My mom and dad were also great. they talked me through a lot of things, and were kind but firm. They let me be sad and cry, but they also made sure that I started standing up for myself and making some very difficult choices.

I know it was hard for them to hear me go through all of that. My dad especially had his heart broken too. It’s just part and parcel of the pain that affairs can cause.

I once heard an other woman lament about how the betrayed spouse has it so much easier than an other woman, as "she at least has her spouse for support and she isn’t alone". To that, I say ” are you kidding me? The very idea of what you’re saying is ridiculous…but given your attitude, it’s about what I expected”

Some people really are as thick as brick…

Let's Talk About the Other Man or Other Woman

One of the topics that people always seem to want to talk about when it comes to affairs is the other man/ woman…who are they, what do they look like, what did the cheating spouse do with them, how are they different?
 

In my case, she was a serial other woman who preferred to date married men. Personally, I don’t understand why anyone would want to do that…what is the attraction? After all, they can’t be with her full time, they can’t let anyone see them together, they can’t go anywhere anyone would recognize them…

With people like her, I think she gets off on the idea that someone elses husband finds her attractive enough to cheat on his wife with and it's quite exciting. It’s a boost to her self esteem, and she really doesn’t give a damn who gets hurt in the process….as long as she gets her ” fix” all is right in the world.  I also don’t think she likes other women very much. She sees them as competition for her, and if she can make them feel bad, that’s an added bonus…

Mind you, there is also the pragmatic side of it. By sleeping with married guys she works with, she moves up in her job. They also buy her things and take her places that she could never other wise afford.  They pay for her favors and she loves it that way.

There are other women like her out there…emotional vampires who suck the very life out of others and then move on…they see themselves as somehow above everybody else, and in many ways act like the schoolyard bully form your childhood…but watch out should you cross them…

There's also those who feel entitled to whatever they want in life. From their point of view, there is nothing wrong with dating married person. It all fits into their ethos. These are the moral relativists...the people who fashion their set of values to whatever suits them or best meets their needs. To them the only "wrong" is something that hurts them, not someone else. 

Of course, there is another side to the story…

Some other women aren’t serial women…some are lied to by the married guy. He says he’s separated or divorced and makes it sound like he’s a free agent, when that couldn’t be further from the truth. These women really are used in a really shabby way, and as far as I’m concerned, they are right up there with the betrayed spouse in terms of pain and damage done to them.

Which brings us to the type of other woman who I  call ” the opportunist” . She doesn’t go out looking for a married guy,but if he finds one she likes, or if one hits on her, all of sudden he’s fair game and they’ll find a million excuses as to why their affair is okay. They are deeply in  ” lurve” ( insert eye roll here) , they are ” soul mates” , his wife is a witch who just doesn’t understand him or some other such nonsense. These are the ones who cry and moan and beg for sympathy and pity when the affair ends. No one can ever understand them, and anyone who doesn’t agree with them or calls them out about their actions just doesn’t see the world in “shades of grey’ the way they do. Oh, they tried to repel him, but he just kept coming and coming until she had no choice but to give in.

 Oh please! Give me a break! Don’t they remember all those “just say no” tv commercials :).  They say he doesn’t love his wife, if he did he wouldn’t cheat. They feel that he invited them into his marriage so why should she feel bad? You know the type…the self entitled, whiny ” me first” girls…and heaven help if anyone calls them out about their behavior. how dare someone "judge' or "shame' them like that!

Next, we have the type of other women who really does regret what she has done. The affair ends and she feels terrible about the pain that it caused. These other women are usually decent people, who did just make a stupid mistake that they feel bad about. They are just like me in a  lot of ways, and I really think that a lot of other women fit this description.
 
Lastly, there are the proverbial ” bunny boilers”. These can be any one of the above types who either is a few bricks short of a load to start with, or they just sort of crack when they don’t get their own way.  They  lash out at the betrayed spouse, her children, her ex married man, and anyone and everyone else.  her behavior can range form annoying to downright dangerous. The other woman in my situation was like that…more about her in later posts.

I used to think all other women ( and men too) were the same, but they aren’t…they come in many varieties, so it takes a variety of ways to deal with them…

Most seem to want to be left alone when the affair ends. They don’t want you in their life any more than you want them. If this is the case, then it’s best to leave her alone unless you have questions you want to ask.You're not going to get anywhere by contacting her.

Feeling Really Lost

After my husband left, I was feeling totally lost and absolutely shocked. I never, not in a million years, thought that something like this could happen.

We’d been married almost twelve years, and I’d always thought that we’d had a good marriage. While we’d had our ups and downs, things had always been solid between us.

All of a sudden, one of the major truths that I’d known in my life was gone…and that can totally throw you off balance. I found it hard to eat, sleep, and just functioning was difficult. I started losing weight (  a long time afterwards I jokingly referred to it as “losing the affair 30″ ) and just generally felt miserable.

I wanted to cry, scream, curl up in a ball and just be left alone. Nothing made any sense to me anymore.

A few weeks before all of this, we’d gotten a Wii, and I put it to good use doing the Wii Fit exercises ..they kept my mind off things, especially at night when things were quiet and there was nothing else to think about. I’d do them until was so tired I could hardly see straight…that’s what it took for me to fall asleep every night.

We have several children, who were quite young at the time. In some ways it made it harder, as I had to put on a happy face for them..in other ways, they saved me because they took my mind off of things…

They had their problems and issues that needed my attention. I couldn't focus solely on myself.

More about children and affairs in future posts.

When the Bomb Drops...

I think a person will always remember the day they found out for sure that their spouse was cheating….

I knew something was up. He’d been spending more and more time online chatting with a girl from work. He told me they were “just friends”, and I believed him. I think that, on some level, I knew something was off, but I didn’t know what.

At first, he’d spend a few minutes chatting with her on Facebook, and I was welcome to see it. Before long, that changed. The chat sessions got longer and longer and he’d hide them from me. Soon, he’d snap at me if I even  mentioned how much time he spent chatting. He started going to bed after I did ( all of a sudden he was no longer tired late at night) so he could chat with her more and more without me or our kids around.

One night, I couldn’t sleep, and I stayed up late surfing on Facebook. Lo and behold who should pop up but her with a friend request and an invitation to chat. She seemed friendly enough, so I started chatting. She asked all kinds of questions about me, my husband, our kids and our marriage. I thought that was a little weird, but put it out of my mind. ( more on why she did that in future posts).

One night, I’d finally had enough, and I asked him to stop chatting with her. He was ticked off but with an embarrassed look on his face, he told me he would, but that he wanted to take her out for coffee to explain to her why he couldn’t chat anymore.

He came home and he was really angry and curt.

A few days later he got an emergency message from her that she needed help and could he come over. He asked me about it, and then he left “for a few minutes”…five hours later, he came home and “dropped the bomb”…

I got the infamous ” i love you but I’m not in love with you” and then he left to go stay with her.
It was the most horrible time in my life. I literally thought my heart would stop….

That was a long time ago, but it feels like it was only yesterday

Take Time to Look After Yourself

When you find out your spouse has been cheating, it can feel like a real punch in the gut. You can become nauseous and even sick to your stomach( I know I did) ….

You find it hard to keep anything down, and this is just as true for husbands as it is for wives who have found out about their spouse’s infidelity…

What ever else you do, it’s vital that you eat well and look after yourself. You need to keep a good head on your shoulders and this is hard to do when you are hungry.

Make yourself eat something, even if you don’t feel like it. Even a nutritious fruit smoothie will help. Make a blend of fruit, milk and an extra bit of sugar.  Take a multi vitamin supplement to make sure you aren’t missing anything. Soup and crackers can be nutritious and comforting…they remind you of simpler times in your life.

eat something healthy

If you feel nauseous, try drinking some ginger tea or natural ginger beer. The ginger calms your stomach but won’t make you sleepy the way some over the counter anti nausea medications can.
I can’t over emphasize enough that you see a doctor. Don’t be embarrassed or ashamed to let them know what happened and why you are there. If you are having trouble eating, let them know. If you are feeling really stressed out, they,ay be able to recommend some solutions or refer you for therapeutic massage to help you relax.

Most importantly, remember that no matter what happens, you will get through this. Things will get better and the sun will shine again.

You Never Expected This...

I thought it would be good to start at the beginning…

So you’ve just found out about the affair, and it feels like your whole world is crashing down around you. Hopefully, you’ve found out because your spouse told you, but all too often you find out all on your own.

It feels like you’ve been kicked in the gut. At first, you can hardly believe it. How can the person who you trusted to always be in your corner do this to you? Either this is a bad practical joke or there must be some kind of mistake. You realize that it’s all to real…the words are either right there in front of you, either you heard them or saw them printed on the screen or on paper and they hang in the air.
What do you do? How will you get through this? Who did they cheat with/ What will happen to your kids? is this the end of your marriage? What did you do wrong? There’s a million questions flying through your head, and you feel like everything is spinning out of control. Your legs feel weak and you may even feel like you’re going to pass out.

Welcome to the club no one wants to be a part of. Many have been right where you are. The good news is that they have survived it, and so will you.

Breathe and take a minute to get your bearings.


What you do next depends on you and the situation.

Did your spouse tell you because they felt guilty?

Do they want the affair to end?

Do they say they want to separate and divorce?

Did they admit to the affair only because you found out on your own or because the other man/woman “outed” you?

All of these questions, plus many more, will be things you’ll need to find the answers to, but that will come later.

Right now, just worry about the immediate concerns. Take deep breaths, relax and try to keep a clear mind. If you need to talk to someone, call a trusted friend or family member, even if it’s late at night. they will understand. If you feel like you might hurt yourself or someone else, call a crisis hotline or even 911

Most importantly remember…you will get through this

Just Found Out About the Affair? Here's Some Practical Advice to Help you Find Your Way

When you first find out about the affair, your head may be swimming. It can feel like you’ve been punched in the gut and you don’t know what to do, here are some simple ideas to help you get through this difficult time…

- Don’t feel that you have to decide anything right now. You may find that you swing back and forth in what you want to do. That’s normal. Give yourself the time and space you need to think clearly.

- Do make sure that you eat regularly and watch your health. Look after yourself. If you can’t eat regular meals, at least try to eat healthy snacks.

- Don’t isolate yourself. Build a support network of friends and family members who you can trust to help you through this rough time in your life.

- Don’t let anyone tell you how you should or should not feel. That being sad, if you are seriously thinking of haring yourself or someone else, get help immediately. Call a friend, doctor or emergency number. It’s okay to ask for help when you need it.

- Do get tested for std’s. This is very important, no matter what your spouse may have told you. Even if they claim there was no sex, they used protection, or anything else. You need to be tested, even f it’s only for your own peace of mind.

- Do see a lawyer to get legal advice about the logistics of separation/divorce. After all, knowledge is power!

- Do get counseling both for yourself and marriage counseling for you and your spouse.

- Do talk to your spouse about how you feel. If you can’t speak verbally, write it down and share this with your spouse. Ask them to do the same.

When you feel ready to, do talk to your spouse about why they cheated. Don’t accept excuses, but Do accept that there may have been problems in your marriage that you need to work on together.

- If you find them helpful, do read lots of books about dealing with infidelity. Take from them what is useful to you and leave the rest.

- There are  many infidelity forums out there…Do look around and find one that is helpful for you.

- Don’t feel ashamed to talk to others about what is going on in your life

- Don’t feel obligated to forgive the other man/woman. Some find this helpful, some don’t. Do what’s right for you.

- Do take time to be kind to yourself.

- Do try to do some things that are new and exciting with your spouse, when you feel ready.

- Do tell your spouse when you are feeling insecure about yourself. They can help you to feel better.

- If there are any letters, gifts, emails, messages, etc. from the other man or woman, do feel free to do with them as you wish. Some reconciling spouses feel that destroying them together can symbolize the final act of moving past the affair.

- Do tell your spouse what you need form them to move forward. Tell them what you need from them to feel that you can trust them again.

- Do expect that there may be situations/songs/ movies, etc. that can bring all the pain flooding back. If that happens, do talk to your spouse.

-Do resist the urge to be “perfect”. Nobody is and it will exhaust you.

- Do assign blame however you see fit. Some people will tell you that you can’t blame the other man/woman as they were  not the cause of the affair. Maybe that’s true, maybe not ( nine times out of ten it’s the other man/woman who says that). In my own situation, I assigned blame to my spouse for the decisions he made, and blame to her for the choices she made. It worked for me and didn’t keep me from “healing”

- Don’t be discouraged if it sometimes seems like it’s two steps forward and one step back…as long as you are moving on, it’s all good

- Do know that if you feel that reconciling isn’t for you, it’s okay to end things. Not every marriage is one that will last

- Do celebrate the little milestones of reconciliation. It can be a long and hard road, but it’s so worth it!

 for further reading, visit:
I just found out my spouse is cheat...what do I do now?

Have You Been Hurt by an Affair? You're Not Alone

One of the sad truths about marriage is that it is not always perfect or even smoothy sailing. There are lots of women and men out there who are looking for hope that a marriage can be reconciled after an affair…let me assure you, it is possible!

There are lots of people who will tell you that you can’t reconcile, that you’re better off divorced, and in some situations, that may be true. In others, reconciliation is the right choice.

In this blog, I’ll share my story ( some things will be changed to protect people’s identity). I’ll also include some words of wisdom from other men and women who have been through similar situations in their lives. I’ll also talk about my views on the other man/woman, the cheating spouse and lots of other affair related subject.

I’ll appreciate any and all comments, and I hope that you find this blog useful to you, whichever road you choose to take.

Welcome to my blog, and I hope you like i.

Some SImple Ideas to Help You Get Throuh a Really Tough Time

When you first find out about the affair, your head may be swimming. It can feel like you’ve been punched in the gut and you don’t know what to do, here are some simple ideas to help you get through this difficult time…
- Don’t feel that you have to decide anything right now. You may find that you swing back and forth in what you want to do. That’s normal. Give yourself the time and space you need to think clearly.
- Do make sure that you eat regularly and watch your health. Look after yourself. If you can’t eat regular meals, at least try to eat healthy snacks.
- Don’t isolate yourself. Build a support network of friends and family members who you can trust to help you through this rough time in your life.
- Don’t let anyone tell you how you should or should not feel. That being sad, if you are seriously thinking of haring yourself or someone else, get help immediately. Call a friend, doctor or emergency number. It’s okay to ask for help when you need it.
- Do get tested for std’s. This is very important, no matter what your spouse may have told you. Even if they claim there was no sex, they used protection, or anything else. You need to be tested, even f it’s only for your own peace of mind.
- Do see a lawyer to get legal advice about the logistics of separation/divorce. After all, knowledge is power!
- Do get counseling both for yourself and marriage counseling for you and your spouse.
- Do talk to your spouse about how you feel. If you can’t speak verbally, write it down and share this with your spouse. Ask them to do the same.
When you feel ready to, do talk to your spouse about why they cheated. Don’t accept excuses, but Do accept that there may have been problems in your marriage that you need to work on together.
- If you find them helpful do read lots of books about dealing with infidelity. Take from them what is useful to you and leave the rest.
- There are many infidelity forums out there…Do look around and find one that is helpful for you.
- Don’t feel ashamed to talk to others about what is going on in your life
- Don’t feel obligate to forgive the other man/woman. Some find this helpful, some don’t. Do what’s right for you.
- Do take time to be kind to yourself.
- Do try to do some things that are new and exciting with your spouse, when you feel ready.
- Do tell your spouse when you are feeling insecure about yourself. They can help you to feel better.
- If there are any letters, gifts, emails, messages, etc. from the other man or woman, do feel free to do with them as you wish. Some reconciling spouses feel that destroying them together can symbolize the final act of moving past the affair.
- Do tell your spouse what you need form them to move forward. Tell them what you need from them to feel that you can trust them again.
- Do expect that there may be situations/songs/ movies, etc. that can bring all the pain flooding back. If that happens, do talk to your spouse.
-Do resist the urge to be “perfect”. Nobody is and it will exhaust you.
- Do assign blame however you see fit. Some people will tell you that you can’t blame the other man/woman as they were not the cause of the affair. Maybe that’s true, maybe not ( nine times out of ten it’s the other man/woman who says that). In my own situation, I assigned blame to my spouse for the decisions he made, and blame to her for the choices she made. It worked for me and didn’t keep me from “healing”
- Don’t be discouraged if it sometimes seems like it’s two steps forward and one step back…as long as you are moving on, it’s all good
- Do now that if you feel that reconciling isn’t for you, it’s okay to end things
- Do celebrate the little milestones of reconciliation. It can be a long and hard road, but it’s so worth it!

I just threw up in my mouth a a little bit…

Posted on April 5, 2014 | Leave a comment | Edit

I don’t know everything about affairs. I just have my own opinions based upon my own life and the things I read online.
Everything about affairs just plain stinks for everyone involved, but I have heard a few stories lately that are off the charts.
Other women complaining or feeling upset when the wife of the married man they have been seeing gets pregnant and has his baby.
I’m sorry, but do these women have one ounce of empathy, kindness or compassion in their body?
Being a new mother should be one of the best times in a woman’s life. It can also be one of the most stressful. At a time like that, she deserves the full and undivided attention of her husband. These other women have the sheer , unmitigated gall to complain that he may not pay enough attention to her or that she is scared of losing him because he will be too busy with his new family?
Of course, they blame all of this on the married man. While he certainly is being a real lech, is he forcing this other woman to keep seeing him? Is she that unable to control herself that she can’t even keep herself from tainting this precious time?
Of course not. She shows zero compassion for his wife and child, even going so far as to run the wife down so the affair becomes HER fault. She caused the other woman pain, she should feel guilty for sleeping with her own husband and getting pregnant. What a witch she is ( insert eye roll here ).
Then these same women expect compassion for hurting because married man may reject them?
keep in mind that up until the time when married man disclosed that his wife was pregnant, she would have sworn up and down that he and his shrew, frigid wife never had sex. Seems to be an awful lot of immaculate conceptions going on lately ( insert yet another eye roll here)
Even some of other women have a problem with that, which goes to show you something.
I don’t like being rude, but this is just too much. If you are an other woman in this situation, get your head out of your rear, grow up and treat people with the same compassion and respect you want them that you expect to be treated with. Try it sometime, and you may find yourself a whole lot happier.

Bad Advice and Toxic Places

Posted on April 5, 2014 | Leave a comment | Edit

When you are dealing with infidelity in your marriage, you may find yourself desperately seeking any sort of advice and reassurance that you can get. You may be looking for someone to help make sense out of a situation that seems so confusing.
When this happens, it’s only natural that people turn to the internet for help. After all, you can get all of this anonymously, and with a wide range of viewpoints, you’re bound to find something that resonates. It doesn’t cost anything, and it’s immediately available.
Before you venture in to the world of “cyber self help”, especially if it is a discussion forum, I would suggest that you take a look first. See who posts there, and what the tone of these posts is.Not all forum are alike.
Some are frequented mostly by betrayed spouses or former wayward spouses who are looking for help and advice. While the opinions posted may not appeal to everyone, they are a good place to start.
Another option is forums that are geared towards all sides of the equation. Some of these are really good ( hint: hope, love and healing is an awesome forum, with responses that are non-biased and honest) and can give a perspective that can be really helpful.
I would be much more wary of forums that say they are for all sides, but are more biased towards the point of view of the other man/other woman.
It can be hard to detect these at first glance, but after a few minutes, it’s pretty easy to spot. It actually becomes nauseating and the really sad part is that they usually do no good for anyone. They not only show a complete lack of respect for the betrayed spouse, but they also encourage other women and other men to hold on to the affair, even after it’s long past its ‘best before date”. The other women and men on sites like these will often project their sadness and daydreams on to the situations of other people, which is just plain sad.
As in all things on the web, use your own thought and good judgement about what you read. If you have just found out about the affair, you may be really hurting and vulnerable, desperate for any sort of solution to take the pain away. Keep in mind that there are no quick fixes. It’s a long term process, but the ends are well worth the efforts.

Onwards and upwards!

Posted on November 19, 2013 | 1 Comment | Edit

I was looking over some of the stats for my blog and I saw one search term that inspired me to write a post.
The search dealt with whether or not someone can heal after an affair.
The simple truth is yes they can.
I’m not going to say it’s going to be easy, and I certainly won’t say that the path I took is what is right for everyone. What i can say with 100% certainty is that it can be done.
From my point of view, the starting place is to admit that the affair hurt. It doesn’t matter if you are a betrayed spouse, wayward spouse or other man or woman. you didn’t come out unscathed. The question now is what will you do about it?
for some, they have enough support amongst their family and friends to pull through. They need to talk it out, take time to sort themselves out and then come out ready to face the world.
For others, they need more professional help. Maybe the wounds are too deep, maybe they don;t have enough support or are too ashamed to ask for help from friends and family or maybe they are just feeling so mixed up that they need someone with experience in counseling someone through this type of crisis. This is especially true if you have a mental health issue. Don’t try and go it alone…there are lots of people out there who can,  and will be more than happy to , help. Ask for it.
There are lots if forums out there who are filled with other people going through the same thing. It can sometimes feel overwhelming when you are trying to find one that is the right fit for your situation.  Of course, I’m biased towards http://www.hopeloveandhealing.com/forum/index.php , as I think it’s a great place full of understanding people, but take a look around and find one that best suits you.
Most importantly, remember that healing takes time. You can’t rush it or will it to happen. Sometimes it can feel as if for every three steps forward you are taking two steps back, but you will get there.
As I always say, onwards and upwards

The Vultures are Circling…

Posted on November 19, 2013 | 1 Comment | Edit

Have you ever watched a nature program on tv and seen footage of scavengers feasting on the remains of a dead animal? I have, and I always find it, on a very visceral level, quite repulsive. Watching them gleefully tear up the carcass is really nasty. The saving grace is that with animals, they are doing it to survive because they, like all living things need to eat. They don’t have other options.
Keeping that image in mind, let’s move on to other men and women and the way they pick over the bones of a marriage. Not only do they contribute to it’s demise, some also seem to take great pleasure in scavenging the remains. On sites they frequent, they pat each other on the back and even “high five” each other when the married person either decides to divorce or has the decision taken away from them when the betrayed spouse kicks them to the curb ( a more common scenario).
After all, isn’t it wonderful that they and their soul mate can now be together? Who cares who got hurt in the process, so long as they get what they want? They then b@tch and complain if anyone points it out to them that they played a part in the marriage ending. how dare anyone suggest such a thing? They were simply sitting their, minding their own business when oops, married person came along and forced them into an affair! Now they are in love, don;t you know, and as long as it’s all about “love”, how can anyone find fault?
I know I should be more kind and understanding, The blind archer simply shoots the arrows and people have no choice but to follow their heart. Okay, that’s a big load of you-know-what. While people can’t control who they feel attracted to, they have  options, they have better choices, but they decided to get involved in an affair.
They may pay lip service to the idea that they really didn’t want to hurt anyone, but what on earth did they think was going to happen? That the betrayed spouse would welcome the affair and be happy to see their marriage end? That they wouldn’t be hurt?
It’s naivety like that that always surprises me. How in the world can someone really believe that an affair isn’t going to cause pain for everyone affected? I suppose that it’s back to the old idea that if something is done for “love” that it somehow makes everything okay.
All is NOT fair in love and war. Affairs hurt, people who have been cheated on may carry wounds that take a long time to heal, if they ever do.

Little Boxes…

Posted on November 19, 2013 | Leave a comment | Edit

I’m always surprised and to be quite frank, saddened when I hear of wayward spouses and other men/women who think that if a betrayed spouse doesn’t know about an affair, they won’t be hurt. I really wonder how anyone can think that.
It’s really quite depressing and, on some level, quite disturbing. the idea that someone can compartmentalize their life like that so much that one area doesn’t bleed into another makes me wonder what sort of a person could do that. How can they simply shut off that part of themselves? After all, if they love someone as much as they might claim to love the other man/woman, how can they hide it form the rest of the people in their life? How is it possible that no one else can tell?
It’s almost as if some people live their life in little boxes. They put the affair into a box, they put the relationship with their spouse into another, and the other parts of their life into still other boxes. When hey spend time with their other man or woman, that box gets brought out and opened, only to be closed and put back on the shelf when they go home to their spouse. Then the marriage and family box gets opened.
this seems to work for some people, and maybe it;s a coping skill they learned long ago. Maybe separating out their life into these parts is the end result of a traumatic childhood, maybe they learned to do it as an adult, or maybe it’s just the way their personality has always functioned. I suppose that it could be helpful in allowing them to avoid pain and internal conflict (i.e.-guilt) but it would make me very leery of ever being able to trust them. After all, someone who can do this and use it successfully once will have every reason to try and use it again the next time the going gets tough.
This is another reason why, n my humble opinion, counseling after an affair is such a vital component of moving forward. It can help the wayward spouse to learn better coping skills, and it can also help the betrayed spouse to feel more trust and confidence in their spouse and the marriage as a whole.
Of course, it’s not going to be easy. Counselings and therapy has a way of forcing us to face some parts of ourselves and our actions that we may not like. The good news is that there is light at the end of the tunnel, as once a person is will to recognize and admit that they have some negative behavior patterns, they can begin to change them.

Onwards and upwards

How can anyone do something like this?

Posted on November 18, 2013 | Leave a comment | Edit

I can understand how it could be very frustrating for an other woman to know that her relationship has a pretty high chance of going nowhere. Night after night, he goes home to his wife and kids. Of course he probably says that he’s miserable, but somehow, he still goes back.
An other woman invests so much time, energy and emotion into the affair, yet he still doesn’t choose her. What can she do?
I would like to think that after a while , she realizes that nothing will change…he’ll just go right on hurting her. What can she do? She has a couple of options available to her, some much more “sane” than others.
She could gather up all her strength and courage and end the affair. Difficult and painful, but probably the best course to take. Who knows? Maybe he’ll even decide that he wants to be with her full time after all, and if she doesn’t, was he worth it?  Or she could keep things going and maintain the status quo. Of course, that changes nothing, but if she lies to herself enough, maybe it will be okay.
Then there’s the option that some other women take, and I;d like to believe that there’s only a few that do. They get pregnant hoping it will tie them together.
I know, I know…accidents happen. This isn’t what I am talking about. What I’m referring to is a desperate and deliberate act. Who cares if she’s using an innocent  child to get what she wants…as long as she and her “soul mate” are together, all is good.
Or is it?
I’ve often wondered what a child in this situation goes through, knowing that mommy and daddy don’t live together, that daddy has a wife and kids that were around when mommy got pregnant and that they were just a pawn in a sick game. Of course, some will say that they would love their son or daughter and never let them feel that way, but come on , kids aren’t idiots…they are a lot more perceptive than some give them credit for.
Why put a child through that? How is that fair to them? If it takes getting pregnant to keep your “soul mate” in your life, what’s the point in the first place? He’d obviously rather be with his wife.
I know that some other women will smugly point out that “well, lots of wives do it too”, and maybe some do. I would tell them the same thing.

A day in the life of a reconciled marriage…

Posted on August 31, 2013 | Leave a comment | Edit

When one thinks of an affair, an image that often springs to mind is something that is a bizarre combination of glamorous, lecherous, devious, ridiculous and monstrous. As I noted in a previous post , the view that is so often in the mind of the other woman is only the glamorous and “soul mate” part.
They like to point out how well they are treated by another woman’s husband, while the wife is siting at home feeling and being miserable.
I will admit that many times during the affair, the wife ( or husband, lets not leave the betrayed husbands out) is being treated miserably. she is miserable, not because of any wrongdoing on her part, but because her husband, out of guilt, cruelty or simply stress , is treating her like cr@p.
There is, however, another side to this.
Reconciliation can be a brand new start.
There are the birthday, anniversary and other special cards sent to the betrayed spouse signed with hugs and kisses from the wayward. There are hugs, kisses cuddling and yes, much more that the affair partner would like to believe, sex. Together, they raise the children that are a living, breathing and very tangible expression of that love. They dance together when their songs comes on the radio or iPod, they sing the words and share private jokes that no one else could ever understand. They cook together, walk together work on the house together, pay bills together. They look at family photos together, talk about what it will be like when the kids are grown and on their own. They talk about the news, sports, what’s going on in their lives and everything else under the sun, and at the end of the day, they curl up together in their bed and still the love sis there, giving them sweet dreams and a deep rest that is unlike any other.
Sometimes, they just sit together and “be” with one another. No words, no action, no “drama”.
Their love permeates every room in their house, and finds it’s way onto every crevasse, no matter how small, of their lives.
Of course, that’s so hard for an other man/woman to hear. The married person has a whole other life without them in it. They may think of them sometimes, but more than likely, they are not pining away for them. They are living their lives.
Take us, for example.
We woke up late with our arms and legs tangled around one another. It was a chance to stay in bed a bit late, as our kids were still asleep ( may as well let them get some extra rest before school starts up again next week) . Since they were still asleep, we locked our door for a little ” adult” time. We snuggled some more and watched a show on our laptop, then got up and shared a cup of coffee in the quiet of the kitchen.
Once our kids were up, we got them organized, working together to get them breakfast and give them a good start to their day.
Once everyone was ready, we all went out for a drive and to do some shopping. Funny thing is that when we are out together, we often hold hands, walk with our arms around one another or we are just walking really close together, and we get a lot of approving smiles. I think people like seeing a husband and wife with a bunch of kids in tow and happy to be together.
My husband picked out a book for me that he thought I’d like, and i picked him up some fresh pastries.
We came home, had lunch, did some work around the house and then went out to visit a relative. We came home, had supper, put on a fire and relaxed with out kids. After they went to bed, we talked for a while and then went to bed, where we had some more “adult time”. Since I’m a light sleeper, I woke up and decided to write.
Everywhere you look in our house, you see evidence of the love we have for each other. The things we pick out we do as a team, and we take each other into consideration when choosing the decor, furnishings, etc. One of his paintings sits about our fireplace mantel, and he’s happy that I like it so much that I want it displayed where everyone can see it.
We don’t have to hide, we don’t have to worry and wait, we don’t have to search for hidden meaning in each others words and we don’t have to walk on eggshells. Our lives are our own, and no one elses.
We do go to fancier cocktail parties and dinners. We do give each other little “just because” gifts. They are not tainted with betrayal, sadness and dishonesty the way gifts to an other man/woman are.
In short, we are living honest, loving lives. We don’t need a quick fumble in the darkness of some anonymous hotel room or other hidden spot for our intimacy. ( unless that’s what we want to do wink, wink, nudge nudge ). It is front and center in our lives.
Since my ( unwanted) crash course in infidelity some years ago, I have heard and read about quite literally hundreds of affairs, and I have to say that not one of the stories can compare to the love and intimacy in a marriage that has been successfully reconciled. It’s like comparing lemons to oranges. A bright and delicious orange to a sour old lemon. While the affair lemon may be glossy and lovely to look at from the outside, once you get inside, it’s as sour as can be. The marriage orange is just as sweet on the inside as it is beautiful on the outside.
It’s really too bad that an other man or woman can’t see the truth for what it is. after all, maybe if they allowed themselves to see just how good a marriage can be, maybe they would want that for themselves and would not be content to follow the trail of breadcrumbs that likely will never led them back out of the deep, dark woods.

Monogamy feels right for me…

Posted on August 31, 2013 | Leave a comment | Edit

When I read stories about affairs, they often make me shake my head in disbelief. how could someone do something that would hurt another person so much?
For some, the excuse lies in the belief that human beings are not, by nature, a monogamous sort of creature. They feel that we are somehow “wired” to cheat, to sleep around with as many partners as we can get and spread our DNA all over the place. They condescendingly remark ” we are no naturally monogamous” and go on about their lives like a human wrecking ball.
Funny how the ones who feel we are not capable of having only one partner at a time are the ones cheating, and they are often the first to become livid if there is even a hint that their “soul mate” affair partner might still be sleeping with their spouse or have another affair partner besides them. Can you say “double standard”? I knew you could!
These are the self proclaimed free spirits and “grey thinkers” who will bend and twist the rules so long as they suit them. When this is pointed out, they just don’t seem to get it. How can anyone else not see that the world must chnage or them and their needs, not the other way around.
Then there are those who drag religion into  the argument, and pont out that monogamy is merely a vestige of a time when religion ruled society…to them, it;s kind of like an appendix. Not necessary anymore, and should be removed if it causes them irritation.
These are the people who are zealots, but not for religion, but for science. They drag out every statistic they can find ( and love to quote ” reputable journal articles” n the misguided hope that it will make them sound educated and witty, when , in fact, it just makes them sound like pompous windbag blowhards) and twist it to support their argument.
Their face always falls when I point out that I am agnostic, yet I am monogamous.
The whole argument is tiring, and the cherry on top of it all is ” you never know until you are in that situation yourself what you will do, so don’t judge me”. ( this again, is the clarion call of the cheater and unrepentant other man/woman).
I always find this argument silly. Do these people not think that  I’ve been it on plenty of times while I’ve been married? It happens a lot, but i still somehow am able to say “no” . Funny how two letters take so much more effort to say that “yes”, which has three letters !
When all their arguments fail, they then sink to the level of quibbling about the semantics of the situation.
All that being said, I would like to say once and for all that I am monogamous. I have no interest in being in a relationship or being intimate with more than one person at a time. The whole idea upsets me and makes me very confused. It always has. It’s not had for me to say “no”, in fact, it’s very easy .

I’m not saying everyone thinks like I do, or that I am better than anyone else. There  are people who don’t find that monogamy works for them, yet they do not cheat. they simply don’t promise to be faithful. This way, both people in a relationship know what to expect. They can both make a choice.
If they want to get married, discuss this issue beforehand, and set the rules down first. If ti will be an “open marriage”, this is so important. It can’t really be called “open” if only one person knows that the door is ajar.
Doesn’t this make sense?
Of course, in the washed out, shadowing world of the “grey thinker”, it is, to quote Mr. Gore ” an inconvenient truth”
I am like the albatros. I will be with my mate for life. I also tend to wander around a lot-lol

You have got to be kidding me…

Posted on August 24, 2013 | Leave a comment | Edit

One thing that I have noticed since my husband had an affair is that I have a real need to try ad understand how they happen and the mindset of those involved. I don’t know why this is, but it’s there.
Something i don’t get, and never really will is the rationalizations that other men and women use to justify their behavior and the behavior of the married person. They range for the somewhat logical to the downright silly.
Here are a few just off the top of my head.
1- ” It’s not my responsibility to protect someone’s marriage. If they are willing to cheat, they are ‘fair game’”.
This one always puzzles me. Maybe I’m naive, but isn’t one of the principles that binds society together and makes it work is that we should treat others the way we would like to be treated ourselves? Apparently, to this breed of other man/woman, that rule doesn’t apply, unless it’s to keep someone from hurting them.  When it;s to protect them, it’s quite  different story. The betrayed spouse should simply slink away, and not fight back or retaliate. After all, how dare they interrupt or cause problems in the lif eof the other man or woman?

2- ” The betrayed spouse must know about the affair, and since they aren’t saying or doing anything about it, they must be okay”
I have to say this makes no sense to me, and could only come from someone who has never been cheated on before. When you love someone you trust them, and if their behavior changes, you’ll want to put the best spin on it and believe that it’s anything other than cheating.
The ironic thing is that the other man or woman is doing the same thing. They know the married person is lying, but will find any and every excuse in the book to believe the lies.

3.-” He’s cheating because his wife is a terrible person”
Uh huh, and you know this how? The married person told you so? Now I wonder why he would do that? Could it be he has a vested interest in making you believe this?
4.- ” He/she is only staying to do the right thing, but he’s only feeling true emotions when he with me”
This is just the latest in the string of pop culture psychobabble that seems to be made to do little more than make affairs seems somehow trivial or even laudable. It’s referred to by one author as a “split self affair”, and she wrote a book that very much appeals to both the cheater and the other man or woman. The premise is that the married person ( usually a man) is only married out of obligation, but not love and he feels no emotional connection to his spouse. He meets the other woman who somehow holds the magic key to his emotional strongbox, and he can’t help himself but to have an affair. H never really knew he was unhappy until he met her.
Now I’m not saying that every marriage is built on love, or that people can’t fall out of love, but does that excuse cheating? If he is so very unhappy, why stay married at all? Why not run off into the proverbial sun-drenched meadow full of lollipops and rainbows with the other woman? Hmmm…could it be that he really is happy with his wife after all and just wants to have the best of both worlds ( better known as “cake eating”?)
It seems that the ones who subscribe to this theory like their very lives depended on it are the other woman in a long term affair that is going nowhere. It must hurt to know that the married man, who says he is so unhappy at home, still doesn’t pick the other woman. Having some sort of psychological excuse must make that a whole lot easier.
5. ” So what if we’ve only seen each other once or twice in our multi -year affair, and most ( if not all) of our contact is through Skype or online. It’s a real relationship, he or she doesn’t have sex with their spouse ( even though it’s been years and they still live together and “wifey or hubby” doesn’t know about the affair”
This has got to be just about the lamest excuse and rationalization of them all. That’s not a “romance” , it’s not “love”, it’s just words on a screen . One may as well say they ae in a “loving relationship” with their TV :D. Do they sleep with their laptop next to them and night? Maybe stuff it inside one of those “boyfriend” pillows so that they have something to cuddle up with?
While a laptop may heat up a bed, it’s not the kind of “warmth” that I’d be satisfied with.

Other men and other women, smarten up! Stop making excuses and join the rest of us in the real world.

A friend in need…

Posted on August 7, 2013 | Leave a comment | Edit

Have you ever asked yourself if you made the right decision when you chose to reconcile? Did you sometimes feel as if you just wanted to throw your hands up and cal it quits” If so, you’re not alone.
Lots of people feel that way. It’s a tough road to follow and no matter what you do, there will be someone who will feel you are doing the wrong thing. At a time when you probably already feeling pretty shaky, that can sometimes push you over the edge.
This is why it’s such a good idea to surround yourself with people who support you in your decision. While you don’t want have a bunch of ‘yes men”, you also don’t want to have a group around you who make you constantly feel as if you are going down the wrong path. You’re probably already feeling really bad, and that can make it so much worse.
This doesn’t mean that you have to give up those friends forever, but it does mean that for the time being, you may have to really cut back on the amount of time you spend around them. Just remember that they are probably being somewhat less than supportive of your choice because they care about you and don’t want to see you hurt again. Recognize that they are well intentioned, but that doesn’t mean that you have to put up with a bunch of nonsense form them.
Perhaps you could try letting them know that you are touched by the fact that they care so much, and that you really do appreciate it, but right now you just need a bit of time to yourself. Keep the lines of communication open with them though. Maybe send them a quick email or text every few days that doesn’t mention your marriage but sticks to more neutral topics.
I was lucky. My friends who knew about the affair were very wonderfully supportive of me in whatever decisions I made, but they were worried I’d be hurt again. they told me this, and we talked about it. Their concerns were valid, but not necessary.things turned out really well for us.
If you have tried this and your friend still won’t stop being negative, then you really need to ask yourself if that is someone you need in your life right now…are they doing you more harm than good? If they are, it may be time to make the difficult decision to end contact with them, at least until you are in a better place in your marriage. Again, they may simply be concerned for you and not want to see you hurt, or they may also be transferring their own hurt and anger from a similar situation in their life on to yours. that’s not healthy for either one of you.
In the meantime, if you are feeling down, here’s a song to remind you that you are not alone…don’t give up

Keep calm and stand strong

Posted on July 26, 2013 | 2 Comments | Edit

Things have been really hectic for us lately, and we haven’t had a chance to go out on a “date” in a really long time. There was movie my husband wanted to see ( he wanted to see “The Conjurer”), so we decided to make an evening out of it. We went out to dinner and then to the show.
While I can’t say much good about the movie, I will say that we had a great time. It was really nice to have a quiet meal out and just enjoy each other’s company.
After we went to bed, I stayed awake for a while. You know how your mind sort of “drifts” while you are trying to fall asleep? I was just lying there, thinking about nothing in particular, when I remembered what had been going on at this time four years ago. Back then, if you had told me that in the future I’d be enjoying a nice dinner and a movie with my husband, I’d have looked at you with an expression of both relief and probably quite a bit of relief.
Back then, he was in the throes of his affair and really “waffling” about what he wanted to do.I was so confused and hurting that I didn’t know what to do…I actually tolerated it, thinking that giving him time to figure out what he wanted would be the thing to make him see that it was me.
Boy was I wrong!
By letting him “time to find himself and what he wanted” I was slowly losing myself. That wasn’t good for either of us.
I finally realized that I couldn’t do that anymore and i had to make a change…not for him, but for me and our kids. It would have been wonderful if he came along with us, but if he didn’t, I couldn’t allow that to stop me.
The first thing i did was to gather information. I spoke with a lawyer etc. to find out where I stood, and once I felt I was as ready as I ever would be-I don’t think you can ever be 100% ready- I spoke with my husband. i told him that I had spoken with a lawyer about divorce, and that if being with his other woman is what made him happy, then he should do it. I told her that too ( in an email message). I also told him that I was willing to give things one more chance, but if he wanted to try and stay together, that meant that it was the end of the affair…full stop.
I remember it really well…it was so hot in the house that it was hard to breathe.I said what I had to say and then just sort of stood there shaking and feeling like I could faint. He looked at me for what seemed like such a long time and then he started to cry. He asked how I could still love him and how things could ever be alright after everything that had happened…I told him they could be, if we both wanted it enough. He said that he did.
We had our first meeting with a new counselor already scheduled for that evening, and the first thing she asked was if we both wanted to stay married. I was so happy when I heard him say “yes”…
Reconciling wasn’t an easy road for us, but it was the right one. Funny how much little things like a night out can really bring that point home

A cup of coffee changed my life…

Posted on July 23, 2013 | 2 Comments | Edit

I’ve often heard it said that a person is a sum total of all their experiences blended together with their fundamental personality. In other words, you take a person with whatever personality they start with, add to that all the lessons they learn in life, both negative and positive, and you end up with who they are at any given point in time.
I agree with that, and consider it to be a very hopeful thought. We all have the capacity to learn, grow and change. The real question then becomes ” what will we do to make the most of the opportunity that we have been given”?
Finding out that your spouse has had an affair can be an incredibly life changing experience.  It can shake you to your very core, and really change the way you look at the world and the people in it. You find can find that you trust nobody, not even yourself.
An affair can leave you wondering how you didn’t see it coming. Why were you such a fool that you didn’t notice the little changes that were happening right under your nose? What could be so bad about you that your spouse, who you love and trust to always be there for you, to be the one person you can count on in your life, made the choice to do something like this to you?
You may find yourself looking for answers to these questions, plus a whole lot more. Sadly, some of them will never be answered. You just have to accept that, hard as it may be to do so.
I remember that for a long time after my spouse cheated ( and this is while we were reconciling) I’d become a real “people watcher”. He was away (  for his job…he was deployed and had to go) and after I took my kids to school I’d sometimes walk to the little mall in our town and have my cup of Tim Horton’s coffee, and I’d watch the people walking by. I’d see older couples walking together, and I’d wonder if they’d ever been through what I had. When a younger couple walked by, I’d wonder what they had in their future. I basically saw cheating everywhere.
This was made even worse by watching a married woman I know walk by with a man not her husband. My first thought was disgust…how could she cheat on her husband? I was so angry, and then she saw me, walked over and introduced me to her brother. I’m sure my face was red when I spoke with them, but they didn’t seem to notice. We had a nice talk and then they went on about their day.
It was a small thing like that which made me realize that I had to stop doing that. It wasn’t good for me and I was seeing what I wanted to see…I think i was hurting, didn’t trust anyone, and wanted, on some level, to feel much less alone and like less of a “pariah”…
Sure, maybe lots of people do cheat, but a lot don’t. Many people can go on to have very happy marriages after an affair…it’s not an easy road to follow, ut it can be done.
A few days later I went back to the mall, had another Timmie’s and watched people again. This time, I looked and saw happy married couples walking by, very much in love…I felt so much better.
I may be the sum total of my life experiences…they play a huge part in making me who I am…but I can also make a conscious decision to see the good and happy things…
I’m so glad that i did…and to my friend and her brother…thank you