Saying "goodbye" to your former other man/woman
In this post, I thought I’d do a little “public service announcement”
for the other men/women out there. This sounds weird that I would do
this, i know, but as I have said before, i don’t think that most of them
are bad people. While I absolutely loathe affairs and everything about
them, I also don’t like the idea of people being hurt. There’s also
another really good reason that i am suggesting this, as you will see
from the rest of my post.
If you are a wayward spouse and you have deiced to end your affair, don’t just disappear and not telling your other man/woman that it is over. At least have the decency to write a letter or email to say “goodbye”, and explain why you chose to end things. Don’t try and let them down gently, as this can just give them false hope, which is cruel and can make it much harder for them to accept that it is over.
I’m not saying that you should be harsh ( unless you feel a need to be)but rather that you should be clear in your words and your meaning. Let them know that things are over, you do not wish further contact and that you wish them well in their life an also that they can go on to find happiness with someone new.
The reasons for wishing the well in the rest of their life in twofold. One, it is a kind thing to say, and two, it lets them know that you can accept them moving on and finding someone else, which is a very clear indication that the affair is finished and that you are not hoping they will sit around waiting for you.
In other words, really and truly let them go…it gives them a “tool” they can use in their own healing. Don’t blame the affair on them…after all, you made the choice to get involved with them. you are both equally responsible.
The next part of my post explains why is so important for a reconciliation to do these things…if you are an other man or woman, this may sound hurtful so you might want to stop reading now…
Ask your betrayed spouse if they want to read the letter or email. If they do, then let them. It’s one more way of being open and honest with them. Hiding it from them is a misguided act of kindness towards them. While reading it may be very difficult for them to do, if they see it and know that it was sent, it helps them to know that things are over.
I would suggest that you create a special web based email address ( e.g.- Gmail) to send it from, and that you and your betrayed spouse both have access to that account. If any replies are received, you can both read them. Again, keeping everything transparent is so important.
Another suggestion I have is to allow your betrayed spouse to have unrestricted access to the email, social media, and texting accounts that you used to communicate with your ex-other man or woman. Now before you get all worked up and say that it will hurt them, or that those things are “private” or that you’re too ashamed to have them read, remember that if you’ve been upfront and honest with your betrayed spouse, there is nothing in there that could be any worse that what their imagination has painted for them.
Reading them will cut the affair and the ex-other man/ woman down to size, and they will no longer seem larger than life. It will help to rebuild trust between the two of you, and it may even help them to gain some insight into why the affair happened in the first place. Remember…you can’t do much to hurt them anymore than they already are…unless you hide things from them, that is.
When your betrayed spouse feels ready, the two of you can sit down together and delete the messages and texts, social media accounts and burn or otherwise destroy any other “artifacts” from the affair. That can feel so good for both of you.
To summarize:
- make sure you write a “goodbye” letter or email to your other man or woman. Be clear, don’t be cruel, and don’t blame the affair 100% on them. Let them know that you are truly ending things once and for all, and that you want them to move on. Let your betrayed spouse read it and see you send it ( if they want to)
- send the final communication letter to your ex from w web based email account that you and your betrayed spouse both have access to
- let your betrayed spouse have full access to any communication that took place during the affair
- when you both feel ready, destroy any “artifacts” from the affair
- I sincerely hope all three of those involved can move on and be happy
If you are a wayward spouse and you have deiced to end your affair, don’t just disappear and not telling your other man/woman that it is over. At least have the decency to write a letter or email to say “goodbye”, and explain why you chose to end things. Don’t try and let them down gently, as this can just give them false hope, which is cruel and can make it much harder for them to accept that it is over.
I’m not saying that you should be harsh ( unless you feel a need to be)but rather that you should be clear in your words and your meaning. Let them know that things are over, you do not wish further contact and that you wish them well in their life an also that they can go on to find happiness with someone new.
The reasons for wishing the well in the rest of their life in twofold. One, it is a kind thing to say, and two, it lets them know that you can accept them moving on and finding someone else, which is a very clear indication that the affair is finished and that you are not hoping they will sit around waiting for you.
In other words, really and truly let them go…it gives them a “tool” they can use in their own healing. Don’t blame the affair on them…after all, you made the choice to get involved with them. you are both equally responsible.
The next part of my post explains why is so important for a reconciliation to do these things…if you are an other man or woman, this may sound hurtful so you might want to stop reading now…
Ask your betrayed spouse if they want to read the letter or email. If they do, then let them. It’s one more way of being open and honest with them. Hiding it from them is a misguided act of kindness towards them. While reading it may be very difficult for them to do, if they see it and know that it was sent, it helps them to know that things are over.
I would suggest that you create a special web based email address ( e.g.- Gmail) to send it from, and that you and your betrayed spouse both have access to that account. If any replies are received, you can both read them. Again, keeping everything transparent is so important.
Another suggestion I have is to allow your betrayed spouse to have unrestricted access to the email, social media, and texting accounts that you used to communicate with your ex-other man or woman. Now before you get all worked up and say that it will hurt them, or that those things are “private” or that you’re too ashamed to have them read, remember that if you’ve been upfront and honest with your betrayed spouse, there is nothing in there that could be any worse that what their imagination has painted for them.
Reading them will cut the affair and the ex-other man/ woman down to size, and they will no longer seem larger than life. It will help to rebuild trust between the two of you, and it may even help them to gain some insight into why the affair happened in the first place. Remember…you can’t do much to hurt them anymore than they already are…unless you hide things from them, that is.
When your betrayed spouse feels ready, the two of you can sit down together and delete the messages and texts, social media accounts and burn or otherwise destroy any other “artifacts” from the affair. That can feel so good for both of you.
To summarize:
- make sure you write a “goodbye” letter or email to your other man or woman. Be clear, don’t be cruel, and don’t blame the affair 100% on them. Let them know that you are truly ending things once and for all, and that you want them to move on. Let your betrayed spouse read it and see you send it ( if they want to)
- send the final communication letter to your ex from w web based email account that you and your betrayed spouse both have access to
- let your betrayed spouse have full access to any communication that took place during the affair
- when you both feel ready, destroy any “artifacts” from the affair
- I sincerely hope all three of those involved can move on and be happy
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