How to handle contact with the other man or other woman
( this post will use the term ” other woman” , as that is who I have
the most experience with…but it could apply to “other man” as well)
There may come a time when you are contacted by the other woman. Maybe she’ll have some information about the affair that she wants you to have, maybe she wants to apologize, maybe she just can’t let go and wants to make you feel as bad as she does, or maybe she just wants to make a few catty remarks. Each situation is different, and what they contact will be like depends very much upon the personality of the other woman involved.
(a) Let’s say that you get an email from the other woman apologizing for the affair and asking to meet with her to talk. I know it may be hard to believe, but there really are some other women out there who feel terrible about the affair and want to say they are sorry. Sometimes talking with someone like that can be helpful, not just for her but , paradoxically, for you as well. It can be an important step in moving forward form the affair.
While I can’t say if actually meeting with her is a good or bad idea, if you do decide to do it, I would do so in a public place. While you don’t need to hold back in what you have to say, I would hear he rout first. As unhappy as the thought may be, some wayward spouses lie. She may not have even known he was married. Give her a chance and get to see her as a real person. You may just find that she isn’t what you’ve built her up to be in your mind. If it turns out that she is just there to make snarky remarks, you can always get up and walk away with dignity and grace.
If you don’t feel up to meeting her in person, you can talk to her on the phone or via email messages. You can control this by creating a special web based email address to be used just for this purpose ( e.g.- a gmail address) . One word of advice about this…tell your spouse you are doing it, as now is not the time for there to eb secrets between you.
If you are contacted by a remorseful other woman, ask her any questions you may have. Don’t be afraid to ask tough ones, but don’t be rude either.You can tell her just how you feel about her and the situation, but, as I said before, my advice to you would be to give her a chance. If she doesn’t seem genuine or seems to only want forgiveness so she doesn’t have to feel bad , you don’t have to give it.
(b) You get a phone call, email or other contact from her that is not apologetic, but not malicious either. She mostly seems to have something to tell you about the affair. In this situation, I would listen, but take it with a grain of salt. She may be telling you the truth, or she may not be. Accept what she has to say and decide for yourself if it’s true or not
(c) You are contacted by her and it’s decidedly unkind or even malicious. I wouldn’t even give her the benefit of listening. Firmly but politely tell her that you don’t want to have any further contact form her. Block her from your email social media accounts, phone number, etc.
If she persists, send her a very firmly worded letter via registered mail informing her that if she doesn’t cease her attempts to contact you that you will seek legal redress. Save a copy for your records. If she still doesn’t help, stand by your word and seek legal help. If you feel at all threatened , go to the police immediately.
Now let’s turn the situation around. Maybe you want to contact her because you have some questions you want to ask.
In my opinion, the best way to do this is by an email message. Again, creating a web based email address just for this purpose may be helpful. Compose your letter and review it. let her know you have some questions and that you’re hoping she’ll be able to answer them for you. Tell her that you it can be over email or ( if you are up to it) that you could meet her in person in a public place to talk.
Don’t be rude in your message, and understand that you may not hear back form her. If you don’t, you’ll have to accept that and move on. You can not force her to talk to you. Let it go.
If she does agree to answer some questions, ask them and then consider her responses. Decide whether or not she’s being truthful…many other woman will be honest, but a few won’t- they’ll use this as an opportunity to get in one final jab.
You may want to send her a message just to let her know how you feel about her and what has happened. This is understandable, but whether or not it’s a good idea is another issue. My best suggestion is to write our your letter, make it as long and thorough as you can, seal it up ( or save it in your drafts email folder) and wait a few weeks. After that, go back and read it and decide if you still want to send it.
Do whatever helps you to move forward….it can be really easy to fall into the trap of fixating on the other woman…don’t do that to yourself. Unless contacting her helps you heal, I wouldn’t bother.
There may come a time when you are contacted by the other woman. Maybe she’ll have some information about the affair that she wants you to have, maybe she wants to apologize, maybe she just can’t let go and wants to make you feel as bad as she does, or maybe she just wants to make a few catty remarks. Each situation is different, and what they contact will be like depends very much upon the personality of the other woman involved.
(a) Let’s say that you get an email from the other woman apologizing for the affair and asking to meet with her to talk. I know it may be hard to believe, but there really are some other women out there who feel terrible about the affair and want to say they are sorry. Sometimes talking with someone like that can be helpful, not just for her but , paradoxically, for you as well. It can be an important step in moving forward form the affair.
While I can’t say if actually meeting with her is a good or bad idea, if you do decide to do it, I would do so in a public place. While you don’t need to hold back in what you have to say, I would hear he rout first. As unhappy as the thought may be, some wayward spouses lie. She may not have even known he was married. Give her a chance and get to see her as a real person. You may just find that she isn’t what you’ve built her up to be in your mind. If it turns out that she is just there to make snarky remarks, you can always get up and walk away with dignity and grace.
If you don’t feel up to meeting her in person, you can talk to her on the phone or via email messages. You can control this by creating a special web based email address to be used just for this purpose ( e.g.- a gmail address) . One word of advice about this…tell your spouse you are doing it, as now is not the time for there to eb secrets between you.
If you are contacted by a remorseful other woman, ask her any questions you may have. Don’t be afraid to ask tough ones, but don’t be rude either.You can tell her just how you feel about her and the situation, but, as I said before, my advice to you would be to give her a chance. If she doesn’t seem genuine or seems to only want forgiveness so she doesn’t have to feel bad , you don’t have to give it.
(b) You get a phone call, email or other contact from her that is not apologetic, but not malicious either. She mostly seems to have something to tell you about the affair. In this situation, I would listen, but take it with a grain of salt. She may be telling you the truth, or she may not be. Accept what she has to say and decide for yourself if it’s true or not
(c) You are contacted by her and it’s decidedly unkind or even malicious. I wouldn’t even give her the benefit of listening. Firmly but politely tell her that you don’t want to have any further contact form her. Block her from your email social media accounts, phone number, etc.
If she persists, send her a very firmly worded letter via registered mail informing her that if she doesn’t cease her attempts to contact you that you will seek legal redress. Save a copy for your records. If she still doesn’t help, stand by your word and seek legal help. If you feel at all threatened , go to the police immediately.
Now let’s turn the situation around. Maybe you want to contact her because you have some questions you want to ask.
In my opinion, the best way to do this is by an email message. Again, creating a web based email address just for this purpose may be helpful. Compose your letter and review it. let her know you have some questions and that you’re hoping she’ll be able to answer them for you. Tell her that you it can be over email or ( if you are up to it) that you could meet her in person in a public place to talk.
Don’t be rude in your message, and understand that you may not hear back form her. If you don’t, you’ll have to accept that and move on. You can not force her to talk to you. Let it go.
If she does agree to answer some questions, ask them and then consider her responses. Decide whether or not she’s being truthful…many other woman will be honest, but a few won’t- they’ll use this as an opportunity to get in one final jab.
You may want to send her a message just to let her know how you feel about her and what has happened. This is understandable, but whether or not it’s a good idea is another issue. My best suggestion is to write our your letter, make it as long and thorough as you can, seal it up ( or save it in your drafts email folder) and wait a few weeks. After that, go back and read it and decide if you still want to send it.
Do whatever helps you to move forward….it can be really easy to fall into the trap of fixating on the other woman…don’t do that to yourself. Unless contacting her helps you heal, I wouldn’t bother.
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