After the affair is over and you are trying to pick up the pieces, there may come a time when you feel a need to blame someone for the affair…
Where do you place the blame?   Your way wayward spouse? The other man or woman? Yourself?
The simple truth is that each situation is different and there likely is no easy answer…
Wayward spouse- of course they are going to receive the lion’s share of the blame. After all, they decided to cheat. There are no ifs and or buts about it. The question then becomes ” why did they make this choice? ” .  Figuring this out together is very important if you are to move forward. A counselor can really help with this.
Did they cheat because they felt neglected in your marriage? Do they have self esteem issues? Maybe  they have really poor boundaries. There could be unresolved issues from when they were a child. Maybe they are the over entitled sort who just felt like they deserved a little something on the side.
Whatever the cause, if they don’t figure it out and resolve that issue, there is a great risk that they will cheat again. This can take a lot of time and effort…there is no quick fix.
The other man / woman- where does this individual fit? The sad truth is that some were lied to and the wayward spouse said they aren’t married. I think this is a really rotten way to treat a person, and I would take that as a very bad sign for a possible reconciliation.
Some other men and women really are predatory. They seek out affairs, and enjoy the self esteem boost that they get from luring a married person away. After all, in their mind, they must be all that and a bag of chips if they can get a married person to break their vows. This type of married person is often in a vulnerable place in their life or has really bad boundaries.
Then there is the other man/ woman who isn’t looking for an affair, but that doesn’t stop them from getting into one.
In all three cases, the other man/ woman is not responsible for the married person’s choices, but they are responsible for theirs. The only scenario where I don’t feel they are responsible for their own pain is the first. I mean come on,what do they think will happen when they get into an affair?
Yourself- You may find yourself placing the blame on you. You may wonder just what is was that you did/ didn’t do that made your spouse cheat.
My view on this is that while you are 50% responsible for the condition of your marriage, your spouse is 100% responsible for their choice to cheat. 
Of course you need to work together to chnage the things in your marriage that aren’t working. That is a huge part of reconciling successfully. The part that is just as big will be your spouse accepting responsibility for their choices.
You can reconcile if you both want to…whether or not it’s successful depends upon your definition of the term. More about that in a future post!