what is gas lighting? Am I going crazy?
Have you ever heard the term gas lighting and wondered what it means?
It’s really very simple and it happens an awful lot in an affair. As far as I know, the term comes from an old movie where a man was trying to convince his wife that she was going crazy by deliberately dimming the house lights, making noises, etc. that she couldn’t explain and then putting things back to normal when she told anyone about them. The point was to make her question her own sanity.
In an affair situation, gas lighting behavior can do just that.
Here’s a very common scenario to help illustrate how this happens….( we’ll use the names Mary and John )
John is cheating on Mary and she is starting to notice something is wrong. Maybe he’s spending lots of time online, maybe he’s always working late, hiding texts, putting a password on his phone, etc. . He’s suddenly moody, sullen and withdrawn.
Mary has a gut feeling something is wrong, but she trusts him and assumes that it must be something to do with work or something else that’s causing him stress. She asks John what is wrong and he snaps back with ” nothing…what makes you think there is anything wrong” . Mary is hurt, but lets it drop.
John continues with his strange behavior and moods, and Mary is really becoming concerned. She asks him again what’s wrong, and again he snaps at her. He counters her innocent question with ” what’s wrong with me? What’s wrong with you? Why are you always asking me things like this? Why are you so suspicious? You don’t trust me and you never have”.
Mary is shocked. What does he mean she doesn’t trust him? All she did was ask him what was wrong and he goes ballistic. Not wanting to cause any more upheaval, she keeps quiet.
This goes on for a bit longer, and his behavior just keeps getting more and more odd. Mary doesn’t want to say anything because he always gets so angry when he does. She wonders what happened to the guy who just a few weeks ago was always so kind and loving. Where did he go? In the back of her mind she wonders if he could be seeing another woman, but that doesn’t sound like him at all. There must be some other explanation.
John is still acting so strange. He makes sarcastic remarks about how she doesn’t trust him, makes a big show out of telling her exactly where he is going and when he will be back, and makes her feel terrible. She starts to feel guilty for being so suspicious…but she still knows something is wrong.
Finally she can’t take it anymore. Se full out asks him is he is having an affair and this just pushes him over the top. He shouts at her about how can she be such a ( insert rude name here) and that she never trusts him and wants to control everything he does. He storms out and leaves Mary feeling just terrible. Maybe she is too controlling. Maybe she is making his life a living hell but not trusting him. Maybe she could do better.
John comes home several hours later and Mary apologizes to him and says she feels bad for not trusting him and that she’ll do better. John gives her a loose hug, a peck on the cheek and says it’s okay and why doesn’t she go up to bed as he has some stuff he has to do for work on the computer so he’ll be up later.
Mary goes to bed, and she wonders what’s wrong with her. Part of her knows something is wrong, and another part is telling her to stop being so mistrustful or else she’ll drive her husband away. She’s starting to question her own ability to tell what’s going on. She cries herself to sleep.
The next day, she wakes up and thinks to herself that today will be a better day. Turns out, it’s worse. John barley speaks to her before goes out the door for work, and when she tries to kiss him goodbye, he turns his head away. She knows something’s going on, bu she thinks it must be her and her inability to trust her husband that is causing the rift.
That’s how it starts. You feel as if you are going crazy. You know something si wrong, but you love your spouse and want to trust them. When you try and sort things out by asking them what is wrong, they turn it around and make it seem as if you are the one with the problem, not them. You start to question your own judgement and even your own ability to be loved by your spouse…
Why does this happen?
My best guess is that it’s very difficult for a cheating spouse to face what they are doing. deep down, they know it’s wrong, but if they can turn it around and somehow make it your fault, then that in a twisted way justifies what they are doing. If they can make themselves believe that you deserve it, then maybe they won’t feel so guilty.
Of course, there’s always the explanation that they are simply covering their own rear end…
Either way, it can be crazy making for a betrayed spouse.
If this is happening to you, slow down and take an honest look at the situation. Given the evidence that you have, and your own gut feelings, do your suspicions make sense? If they do, then there is no reason for you question yourself. Talk to your spouse…a spouse that is doing nothing wrong will understand why you feel the way they do. if they try to turn it around and blame it all on you, you have a problem.
Do some more investigating, and then confront them. Don’t be afraid.
It’s really very simple and it happens an awful lot in an affair. As far as I know, the term comes from an old movie where a man was trying to convince his wife that she was going crazy by deliberately dimming the house lights, making noises, etc. that she couldn’t explain and then putting things back to normal when she told anyone about them. The point was to make her question her own sanity.
In an affair situation, gas lighting behavior can do just that.
Here’s a very common scenario to help illustrate how this happens….( we’ll use the names Mary and John )
John is cheating on Mary and she is starting to notice something is wrong. Maybe he’s spending lots of time online, maybe he’s always working late, hiding texts, putting a password on his phone, etc. . He’s suddenly moody, sullen and withdrawn.
Mary has a gut feeling something is wrong, but she trusts him and assumes that it must be something to do with work or something else that’s causing him stress. She asks John what is wrong and he snaps back with ” nothing…what makes you think there is anything wrong” . Mary is hurt, but lets it drop.
John continues with his strange behavior and moods, and Mary is really becoming concerned. She asks him again what’s wrong, and again he snaps at her. He counters her innocent question with ” what’s wrong with me? What’s wrong with you? Why are you always asking me things like this? Why are you so suspicious? You don’t trust me and you never have”.
Mary is shocked. What does he mean she doesn’t trust him? All she did was ask him what was wrong and he goes ballistic. Not wanting to cause any more upheaval, she keeps quiet.
This goes on for a bit longer, and his behavior just keeps getting more and more odd. Mary doesn’t want to say anything because he always gets so angry when he does. She wonders what happened to the guy who just a few weeks ago was always so kind and loving. Where did he go? In the back of her mind she wonders if he could be seeing another woman, but that doesn’t sound like him at all. There must be some other explanation.
John is still acting so strange. He makes sarcastic remarks about how she doesn’t trust him, makes a big show out of telling her exactly where he is going and when he will be back, and makes her feel terrible. She starts to feel guilty for being so suspicious…but she still knows something is wrong.
Finally she can’t take it anymore. Se full out asks him is he is having an affair and this just pushes him over the top. He shouts at her about how can she be such a ( insert rude name here) and that she never trusts him and wants to control everything he does. He storms out and leaves Mary feeling just terrible. Maybe she is too controlling. Maybe she is making his life a living hell but not trusting him. Maybe she could do better.
John comes home several hours later and Mary apologizes to him and says she feels bad for not trusting him and that she’ll do better. John gives her a loose hug, a peck on the cheek and says it’s okay and why doesn’t she go up to bed as he has some stuff he has to do for work on the computer so he’ll be up later.
Mary goes to bed, and she wonders what’s wrong with her. Part of her knows something is wrong, and another part is telling her to stop being so mistrustful or else she’ll drive her husband away. She’s starting to question her own ability to tell what’s going on. She cries herself to sleep.
The next day, she wakes up and thinks to herself that today will be a better day. Turns out, it’s worse. John barley speaks to her before goes out the door for work, and when she tries to kiss him goodbye, he turns his head away. She knows something’s going on, bu she thinks it must be her and her inability to trust her husband that is causing the rift.
That’s how it starts. You feel as if you are going crazy. You know something si wrong, but you love your spouse and want to trust them. When you try and sort things out by asking them what is wrong, they turn it around and make it seem as if you are the one with the problem, not them. You start to question your own judgement and even your own ability to be loved by your spouse…
Why does this happen?
My best guess is that it’s very difficult for a cheating spouse to face what they are doing. deep down, they know it’s wrong, but if they can turn it around and somehow make it your fault, then that in a twisted way justifies what they are doing. If they can make themselves believe that you deserve it, then maybe they won’t feel so guilty.
Of course, there’s always the explanation that they are simply covering their own rear end…
Either way, it can be crazy making for a betrayed spouse.
If this is happening to you, slow down and take an honest look at the situation. Given the evidence that you have, and your own gut feelings, do your suspicions make sense? If they do, then there is no reason for you question yourself. Talk to your spouse…a spouse that is doing nothing wrong will understand why you feel the way they do. if they try to turn it around and blame it all on you, you have a problem.
Do some more investigating, and then confront them. Don’t be afraid.
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