After my husband dropped the “I love you but I am not ' in love with
you’ ” bomb…I was totally thrown for a loop. I didn’t know what to do.
In desperation, I ended up looking online for support. I joined a couple of forums, but I got a lot of conflicting advice. Some said to kick him out, some said to try my best to be what he said he wanted. I joined one that allows both betrayed spouses and other men/women ( and even wayward spouses ) to join. I have to say that forum wasn’t really useful to me until after the affair was over.
At first I tried the advice that said to make the changes that he said he wanted. I quickly realized that wasn’t going to make any difference. The “reasons’ he was giving me for cheating weren’t really relevant, as he was really just looking for any and every excuse he could think of to justify his actions. The more he could blame it on me, the less he had to examine the way he was acting.
One day I’d finally had enough. He’s been going back and forth between our place and hers ( he’d made up a room for himself in the basement) and his waffling was wearing me out. I was sick, not eating, exhausted and just couldn’t take it anymore.
I asked him if he was still seeing her ( of course I knew his answer was going to be “yes”) but hearing it just made something inside me break. I told him that I’d had enough, I was willing to give our marriage one last chance, and after that I was going to see a lawyer about divorce ( I’d already talked to one, but he didn’t know that). It wasn’t an idle threat, ultimatum or manipulation tactic. I was just finished. The lawyer I’d spoken to had told me that I had good grounds for divorce and that it likely wouldn’t be a problem. He recommended that I tell him I was willing to give things one more try, and if , after that, I still wanted to go ahead with divorce, he would be happy to help.
I still remember just how I felt when I told him. His answer that he was still seeing her made me so hurt and angry. It was so hot in the house, and hearing that made me gasp for breath. I felt like I was going to pass out, but I didn’t. I summoned up my last ounce of strength and told him that I was finished, but I would give things one last chance, if that is what he wanted.
He started to cry , and told me that it was, he was exhausted from everything, but he didn’t know how we could ever go back after everything that had happened. How could things ever be okay again?
We sat with each other for a while, not saying anything. I finally broke the silence and told him that they might never be the same, but they could be even better, if we both wanted it enough.
Lucky for us, we had our first appointment with our new counsellor that night, and she helped us out a lot. Her first question to us was ” do you want to keep your marriage “…our answer was “yes”.
More about counselings in another post.
In desperation, I ended up looking online for support. I joined a couple of forums, but I got a lot of conflicting advice. Some said to kick him out, some said to try my best to be what he said he wanted. I joined one that allows both betrayed spouses and other men/women ( and even wayward spouses ) to join. I have to say that forum wasn’t really useful to me until after the affair was over.
At first I tried the advice that said to make the changes that he said he wanted. I quickly realized that wasn’t going to make any difference. The “reasons’ he was giving me for cheating weren’t really relevant, as he was really just looking for any and every excuse he could think of to justify his actions. The more he could blame it on me, the less he had to examine the way he was acting.
One day I’d finally had enough. He’s been going back and forth between our place and hers ( he’d made up a room for himself in the basement) and his waffling was wearing me out. I was sick, not eating, exhausted and just couldn’t take it anymore.
I asked him if he was still seeing her ( of course I knew his answer was going to be “yes”) but hearing it just made something inside me break. I told him that I’d had enough, I was willing to give our marriage one last chance, and after that I was going to see a lawyer about divorce ( I’d already talked to one, but he didn’t know that). It wasn’t an idle threat, ultimatum or manipulation tactic. I was just finished. The lawyer I’d spoken to had told me that I had good grounds for divorce and that it likely wouldn’t be a problem. He recommended that I tell him I was willing to give things one more try, and if , after that, I still wanted to go ahead with divorce, he would be happy to help.
I still remember just how I felt when I told him. His answer that he was still seeing her made me so hurt and angry. It was so hot in the house, and hearing that made me gasp for breath. I felt like I was going to pass out, but I didn’t. I summoned up my last ounce of strength and told him that I was finished, but I would give things one last chance, if that is what he wanted.
He started to cry , and told me that it was, he was exhausted from everything, but he didn’t know how we could ever go back after everything that had happened. How could things ever be okay again?
We sat with each other for a while, not saying anything. I finally broke the silence and told him that they might never be the same, but they could be even better, if we both wanted it enough.
Lucky for us, we had our first appointment with our new counsellor that night, and she helped us out a lot. Her first question to us was ” do you want to keep your marriage “…our answer was “yes”.
More about counselings in another post.
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