You have got to be kidding me…
One thing that I have noticed since my husband had an affair is that I
have a real need to try ad understand how they happen and the mindset
of those involved. I don’t know why this is, but it’s there.
Something i don’t get, and never really will is the rationalizations that other men and women use to justify their behavior and the behavior of the married person. They range for the somewhat logical to the downright silly.
Here are a few just off the top of my head.
1- ” It’s not my responsibility to protect someone’s marriage. If they are willing to cheat, they are ‘fair game’”.
This one always puzzles me. Maybe I’m naive, but isn’t one of the principles that binds society together and makes it work is that we should treat others the way we would like to be treated ourselves? Apparently, to this breed of other man/woman, that rule doesn’t apply, unless it’s to keep someone from hurting them. When it;s to protect them, it’s quite different story. The betrayed spouse should simply slink away, and not fight back or retaliate. After all, how dare they interrupt or cause problems in the lif eof the other man or woman?
2- ” The betrayed spouse must know about the affair, and since they aren’t saying or doing anything about it, they must be okay”
I have to say this makes no sense to me, and could only come from someone who has never been cheated on before. When you love someone you trust them, and if their behavior changes, you’ll want to put the best spin on it and believe that it’s anything other than cheating.
The ironic thing is that the other man or woman is doing the same thing. They know the married person is lying, but will find any and every excuse in the book to believe the lies.
3.-” He’s cheating because his wife is a terrible person”
Uh huh, and you know this how? The married person told you so? Now I wonder why he would do that? Could it be he has a vested interest in making you believe this?
4.- ” He/she is only staying to do the right thing, but he’s only feeling true emotions when he with me”
This is just the latest in the string of pop culture psychobabble that seems to be made to do little more than make affairs seems somehow trivial or even laudable. It’s referred to by one author as a “split self affair”, and she wrote a book that very much appeals to both the cheater and the other man or woman. The premise is that the married person ( usually a man) is only married out of obligation, but not love and he feels no emotional connection to his spouse. He meets the other woman who somehow holds the magic key to his emotional strongbox, and he can’t help himself but to have an affair. H never really knew he was unhappy until he met her.
Now I’m not saying that every marriage is built on love, or that people can’t fall out of love, but does that excuse cheating? If he is so very unhappy, why stay married at all? Why not run off into the proverbial sun-drenched meadow full of lollipops and rainbows with the other woman? Hmmm…could it be that he really is happy with his wife after all and just wants to have the best of both worlds ( better known as “cake eating”?)
It seems that the ones who subscribe to this theory like their very lives depended on it are the other woman in a long term affair that is going nowhere. It must hurt to know that the married man, who says he is so unhappy at home, still doesn’t pick the other woman. Having some sort of psychological excuse must make that a whole lot easier.
5. ” So what if we’ve only seen each other once or twice in our multi -year affair, and most ( if not all) of our contact is through Skype or online. It’s a real relationship, he or she doesn’t have sex with their spouse ( even though it’s been years and they still live together and “wifey or hubby” doesn’t know about the affair”
This has got to be just about the lamest excuse and rationalization of them all. That’s not a “romance” , it’s not “love”, it’s just words on a screen . One may as well say they ae in a “loving relationship” with their TV :D. Do they sleep with their laptop next to them and night? Maybe stuff it inside one of those “boyfriend” pillows so that they have something to cuddle up with?
While a laptop may heat up a bed, it’s not the kind of “warmth” that I’d be satisfied with.
Other men and other women, smarten up! Stop making excuses and join the rest of us in the real world.
Something i don’t get, and never really will is the rationalizations that other men and women use to justify their behavior and the behavior of the married person. They range for the somewhat logical to the downright silly.
Here are a few just off the top of my head.
1- ” It’s not my responsibility to protect someone’s marriage. If they are willing to cheat, they are ‘fair game’”.
This one always puzzles me. Maybe I’m naive, but isn’t one of the principles that binds society together and makes it work is that we should treat others the way we would like to be treated ourselves? Apparently, to this breed of other man/woman, that rule doesn’t apply, unless it’s to keep someone from hurting them. When it;s to protect them, it’s quite different story. The betrayed spouse should simply slink away, and not fight back or retaliate. After all, how dare they interrupt or cause problems in the lif eof the other man or woman?
2- ” The betrayed spouse must know about the affair, and since they aren’t saying or doing anything about it, they must be okay”
I have to say this makes no sense to me, and could only come from someone who has never been cheated on before. When you love someone you trust them, and if their behavior changes, you’ll want to put the best spin on it and believe that it’s anything other than cheating.
The ironic thing is that the other man or woman is doing the same thing. They know the married person is lying, but will find any and every excuse in the book to believe the lies.
3.-” He’s cheating because his wife is a terrible person”
Uh huh, and you know this how? The married person told you so? Now I wonder why he would do that? Could it be he has a vested interest in making you believe this?
4.- ” He/she is only staying to do the right thing, but he’s only feeling true emotions when he with me”
This is just the latest in the string of pop culture psychobabble that seems to be made to do little more than make affairs seems somehow trivial or even laudable. It’s referred to by one author as a “split self affair”, and she wrote a book that very much appeals to both the cheater and the other man or woman. The premise is that the married person ( usually a man) is only married out of obligation, but not love and he feels no emotional connection to his spouse. He meets the other woman who somehow holds the magic key to his emotional strongbox, and he can’t help himself but to have an affair. H never really knew he was unhappy until he met her.
Now I’m not saying that every marriage is built on love, or that people can’t fall out of love, but does that excuse cheating? If he is so very unhappy, why stay married at all? Why not run off into the proverbial sun-drenched meadow full of lollipops and rainbows with the other woman? Hmmm…could it be that he really is happy with his wife after all and just wants to have the best of both worlds ( better known as “cake eating”?)
It seems that the ones who subscribe to this theory like their very lives depended on it are the other woman in a long term affair that is going nowhere. It must hurt to know that the married man, who says he is so unhappy at home, still doesn’t pick the other woman. Having some sort of psychological excuse must make that a whole lot easier.
5. ” So what if we’ve only seen each other once or twice in our multi -year affair, and most ( if not all) of our contact is through Skype or online. It’s a real relationship, he or she doesn’t have sex with their spouse ( even though it’s been years and they still live together and “wifey or hubby” doesn’t know about the affair”
This has got to be just about the lamest excuse and rationalization of them all. That’s not a “romance” , it’s not “love”, it’s just words on a screen . One may as well say they ae in a “loving relationship” with their TV :D. Do they sleep with their laptop next to them and night? Maybe stuff it inside one of those “boyfriend” pillows so that they have something to cuddle up with?
While a laptop may heat up a bed, it’s not the kind of “warmth” that I’d be satisfied with.
Other men and other women, smarten up! Stop making excuses and join the rest of us in the real world.
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